Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem

First Preshow
The first preshow begins with Gru standing in front of the camera.

Gru: Testing... Testing... Ah-o-wee-a-hoo-ha. [clears his throat, then backpedals] Greetings, recruits. Welcome to my home. I am Gru, master villain, scourge of humanity. So... you want to be a Minion? Your training will begin soon, but be warned: danger lurks... [sinisterly] at every turn.

Suddenly, Agnes enters the room, chasing Kyle, causing Gru to back away from the camera.

Agnes: Kyle! Come here, Kyle!

Gru: Agnes, please! Please! Uhh... Daddy's trying to be evil!

''Meanwhile, Edith and Margo also enter the room. Edith makes a funny face in front of the camera while Margo approaches Gru.''

Margo: [scoffs] What are you doing?

Gru: I am trying to... [suddenly turns to Agnes, who's holding Kyle]

Agnes: [singsong] Who's the cutest puppy in the world? [continues chasing Kyle]

Gru: [sighs] Now, where was I?

Margo approaches the camera and breaths on it before removing Kyle's smudge with her shirt, much to Gru's annoyance.

Gru: Margo!

Margo: What? There was a smudge.

Suddenly, Edith pops up in front of Gru again, this time holding a sock puppet.

Edith: [in deep voice] I am Evil Clown! Fear my red nose! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

''When Gru and Margo notice Edith impersonating, Margo smiles with satisfaction, but Gru is insecure. Gru nearly avoids falling over Kyle.''

Gru: [furious] That's enough! [the girls, including Edith, turn to him] Girls, will you please just let me do this?! [gestures the audience, looking irritated]

Edith: [groans] We're trying to keep things interesting.

Margo motions Agnes to listen to Gru.

Agnes: [disappointed] Sheesh.

Gru: [calmly] Okay, just... just be still. Don't say anymore... words. [clears his throat before turning to the audience] These are my daughters. [turns to his daughters] Say hello briefly. [turns his head to each of the girls]

Edith: Hello out there!

Margo: S'up?

Agnes: [singsong] Greetings from the television!

Gru: [turns to the audience] Anyway, let's begin. We're going to start with a written exam. [snaps his fingers, signalling a Minion holding a paper stack] The test should be longer than three hours. You do this exam and depart. Ha ha!

Margo: [cuts him off] Hey, hey!

Gru: [turns to Margo] Hmm?

Margo: [whispering] We're not doing a written exam, remember?

Gru: [to himself] What? We're not? Oh right. [to the Minion] Ditch that.

The Minion leaves.

Gru: [turns to the audience] Hopefully, you were given your Minion Goggles.

The video reveals a blueprint of the goggles before revealing Nefario showing a dozen of models to a Minion.

Gru: [voice-over] These goggles were designed by our own lovable and disturbingly old scientist Doctor Nefario. After spending months sampling the latest in eye-wear technology, he would not rest until he found the perfect model of goggles. Doctor Nefario was looking for functionality, comfort and little bit of flair. Finally, he chose the chiq but sensible goggles that you're holding in your hot little hands.

''The Minion, sleeping of boredom, falls off his chair; Nefario simply shrugs. The video then shows a duo of Minions manufacturing a pair of goggles.''

Gru: [voice-over] They went through the most restrained testing to ensure maximum quality and durability.

''The tall Minion holding the goggles checks them before giving a thumbs up. The short one holds up a mallet, hitting the former's thumb, causing him to scream in pain. However, the latter smiles innocently. Next, the video reveals another duo of Minions. One wears a pair of goggles while the other controls a ray gun which he aims.''

Gru: [voice-over] We had to make sure that they could withstand any outside force.

''The gun is fired at the Minion wearing goggles, but leaves him unharmed. He takes off the goggles before giving a thumbs up. The video then reveals five Minions. A tall one, wearing a pair of goggles, is standing in the mold.''

Gru: [voice-over] Oh, yes! [the mold drops on the Minion, sticking him between the two halves] These babies were built to last.

The video now reveals another Minion.

Gru: [voice-over] You have Nefario's guarantee: the goggles will last five times longer...

The Minion waves from a distance until he explodes.

Gru: [voice-over] ...than the person wearing them.

''The Minion holds up his goggles to see if it's okay. The video then shows the Grus, each one holding a pair of 3D glasses in their hands.''

Gru: You must wear the goggles once you're seated in the Transformation Pods, but remember:

A safety spiel reveals a duo of Minions, each holding a pair of goggles; one donses his already.

Gru: [voice-over] Do not put on the goggles until you're told to do so, or this could happen. [the Minion smacks his face into a chemical reactor] I'm not saying this WILL happen... [the Minion smacks into the camera] just that it COULD happen! [the Minion hits a rake] And if it did, it would be funny,... [the Minion involuntarily presses a button] ...to me. [a lot of bombs drop onto the Minion wearing glasses, making the other laugh] You'd be too busy getting hit by things to appreciate it.

''The video then cuts to another duo of Minions, this time standing near water. One of them is wearing goggles.''

Gru: [voice-over] In the event of a water landing... [the Minion without goggles kicks the other in water] ...your goggles can be used a flotation device.

''Seeing the Minion with goggles now floating, the other laughs until a large bomb drops on him. Cut to yet another duo of Minions sitting at a dinner table. One of the two puts off his goggles and puts some jalapeno sauce in it.''

Gru: However, in the event of a dinner party, goggles cannot be used to hold cheese and/or jalapeno dip. [the Minion dips a chip in the jalapeno] Ever. [Once he digests it, the other laughs at him until he turns red and breathes fire at him] It's gross.

Cut on two Minions, each putting on the goggles at different places.

Gru: [voice-over] If you are unsure on how to put on the goggles, ask a lab assistant. But come on. Who doesn't know how to put these things on?

''Cut to a one-eyed Minion trying to put on a pair of goggles, but starts crying once realizing he can't until a possibly five-eyed Minion appears. Noticing the problem, the latter hands the former a monocle-shaped Minion Goggle, who happily hugs him.''

Gru: [voice-over] If your number of eyes does not match the number of lenses, please tell a lab assistant. We have Minion Goggles for every ocular variety. Enjoy your Minion Goggles, future-Minions!

The safety spiel ends, now revealing Gru and the girls.

Gru: Okay, got all that? Good! Do as I say, heed my words, or pay the price!

Margo: And have fun!

Edith: [impersonating] It's gonna be great! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

Agnes: [pulling Gru's mouth] Come on! Smile, Gru!

The girls pull Gru's mouth to make him smile.

Gru: [sighs] I hate smiling.

The video ends, revealing Gru's logo.

Announcer: [v.o.] This is a motion simulator involving sudden and extreme movement. Expectant mothers and individuals with heart, back or neck conditions, abnormal blood pressure, or those prone to motion sickness or dizziness are advised not to ride this attraction. For your safety, please remain seated, hold on to the lap restraint, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Please supervise children to ensure everyone has their own seat. Children may not sit on laps. Secure all loose items. Finally, the use of still or video cameras is not permitted.

The doors open to the Minionization Prep Room.

Gru: [v.o.] Alright, future-Minions, I hope you thoroughly enjoyed my prerecorded message. Let’s see how well you take direction. Come meet me in the Minionization prep room so we can all get started. Please stay in your row and move forward, filling in all the available space in front of you and so help me. Do not put on your Minion Goggles yet! Don’t delay! This is going to be really fun... for me. You all will be great Minions, I can tell. You want to know who is my favorite Minion? You are! Well, you soon will be. Remember: No goggles yet. You don’t want to test me on this one, believe me!

Second Preshow
The preshow begins, revealing Gru along with a couple of Minions.

Gru: So, you're all here because you want to work for me. I usually take this time to interview new recruits one at the time, but I'm working on something really big today, so I'm going to have to do this kind of quick. [clears his throat before going over to his note cards] "Hello, I'm Gru", "What's your name?", "Where are you from?", "Wow, that might be impressive", [scattering his note cards across the floor] Question, question, question... and thank you. Anywho...

A Minion, who's holding a blueprint, cuts Gru off.

Minion: Boss! Gru: Uh... [turns to the audience] One moment.

Minion: [speaks gibberish before handing over the blueprint]

Gru: Mmm-hmm... This is good, but tell Nefario: [rolls up the blueprint and hands it back] Add more dynamite. I want a bigger boom!

Minion: Bigger boom. Okay! [gets hit by a thrown wadded piece of paper before smacking the blueprint in another's buttocks as he leaves]

Gru: You didn't hear that. Anyway, yes. You will be turned into Minions.

Two small monitors reveal Doctor Nefario controlling some sort of ray gun.

Gru: Months ago, my chief scientist Doctor Nefario created a device that could turn everyday boring civilians like you into Minions.

The human test subjects now have Minion-like eyes and yellow skin.

Gru: At first, there were a few minor snags...

The Minions laugh with the test subjects.

Gru: And a few major snags...

A human boy is transformed into a Minion with a really long forehead.

Gru: Although I kinda like that guy, [a obese Minion is now revealed​] and that guy.

The monitor now reveals a Minion with a elephant's trunk.

Gru: [gasps] I love that guy. [the elephant Minion trumpets and dances] That guy really knows how to party!

The video ends, revealing Gru's logo.

Gru: Don't worry, we finally worked out all of the kinks, as far as you know, and now, you too can become a Minion!

The left monitor now shows human figures that enter Gru's house and being minionized.

Gru: [eager] Wow! Look at that! I know, right! It's pretty spectacular! All right, before we...

Several Minions pop up, holding weapons.

Minions: Boss!

Gru: [to the audience] One second.

One of the Minions asks Gru something while gesturing at the others.

Gru: [thinking] Hmm... [points to the Minion holding the bazooka] This one.

The Minion Gru pointed at turns towards the others before they start firing their weapons as they leave the room.

Gru: Okay, before we begin your training, we need to do a routine body scan. Can't have you bring any human germs into the lab. [pulls out a control panel] It's nothing serious just some... [pressing some buttons on the control panel] high density lasers.

''Some lasers, which actually are red lights on the ceiling, pop up and slowly hover across the room. For their safety, the Minions put off their headsets and put on infrared goggles.''

Gru: They're very very powerful. It will not...hurt...me...a bit.

''Once the scan is complete, however, an alarm starts blaring. Gru looks at the control panel.''

Gru: Uh-oh, we have a problem. It appears that some of you have not showered in like a week! Gross!

The Minions are grossed out.

Gru: Not naming names, but... [points to the audience as both monitors reveal part of them] IT'S THOSE GUYS!

The two Minions laugh with the audience, but as soon as Gru gives each of them a stern glare, they get back to work.

Gru: Luckily for you, I'm in a bit of a time crunch and I'm feeling generous. But you better shower when you get back to your hotel...

The monitors now reveal Gru's logo.

Gru: ...and don't go right to the pool! As for the rest of you, if anyone's thinking on backing out, I warn you: I WILL HIT YOU WITH MY FART GUN!

The fart gun highlights green as the Minions cringe.

Gru: Oh yes, I'm packing "Pistola de Peo"! So what will it be? Minions... or farts?

''Agnes, Margo and Edith enter the room. Agnes is holding a gift.''

Edith: [imitating Gru] "Minions... or farts?"

Gru: Ignore them.

''Suddenly, a dozen Minions enter with party horns and other birthday accessories in their hands. One of them wears a party hat.''

Minions: Boss!

Gru: [stops them] Not now!

Minions: Okay, okay, okay...

Gru motions the Minions to leave the room.

Agnes: [puts her gift down before turning to the audience] Don't be scared of Gru. He's just a BIG, BALD teddy bear!

Gru sighs and stares at the audience blankly.

Margo: Yeah, and no way he'll shoot you with a fart gun.

Gru: [turns to the girls] Oh, no? [presses one of the buttons of the control panel]

''The fart gun enshrouds the whole room with an odor, making Margo, Agnes, and the Minions hold their breaths, while Edith covers her mouth. Gru, on the other hand, smiles at the audience with satisfaction.''

Edith: [sniffs] Hey, it smells like bananas.

Gru puts the control panel aside while Margo, Agnes and the Minions stop holding their breaths.

Minions: B-Banana? Banana! Banana! Banana! [lick on the window]

Gru: [annoyed] Oh, come on! [sighs]

While Gru is not looking, another bunch of Minions enter the room holding fireworks.

Agnes: Uh, Gru, I was wondering if I would give you something.

Gru: Aw, sure, sweetie, but can it wait? I'm really behind schedule, and I have to train these guys... [gestures to the audience]

Margo: [eager] Oh, can we help?

Gru: [perplexed] What?

Edith: Yeah, we can train 'em.

Gru: [thinking] Hmm...

Edith: Come on! . Gru: Let me, no. I do not think so.

Edith: [begging] Please?

Gru: No, no. It's very technical.

Edith: Come on! We've seen you doing it hundreds of times!

Margo: Yeah, it's not like it's rocket science, [briefly gestures to the audience] or even fourth grade science.

Edith: Yeah, a trained monkey could do it!

During the convincing, Gru is busy keeping the Minions out of the room.

Gru: [irate] Alright! [turns to the audience] Okay, future-Minions. [gestures to his daughters] The girls are going to handle your training.

Margo, Edith and Agnes cheer out of excitement before both, except Agnes, turn to the audience.

Edith: You people are SO doomed.

Gru: Oh, don't listen to her. Although, she's usually right. Good luck, everyone! [leaves the room]

Agnes: But... but, Gru, wait!

Edith: [calmly] He's gone, Agnes.

Agnes: [turns to Margo] It's the anniversary of the day he adopted us.

Edith rolls her eyes.

Agnes: Do you think he forgot?

Margo: Of course not. It will be okay, Agnes. [seriously; stands up to full height] Come on, we have a job to do. [clenches her fists together]

Edith: [pumped up] Let's do this!

Margo: [turns to the audience] Okay, everybody, see you in the lab. [leaves the room along with Agnes]

Edith: This is gonna be GOOD! [leaves the room, imitating a jet]

voice-over

Margo: Stay in your row and quickly move down to the last seat. Each pod seats four guests per row. Do not put on your Minion Goggles until told to do so by a lab assistant.

Edith: Let's go, people!

The doors leading to the ride open.

voice-over

Edith: All right, move it, rookies!

Margo: Move on until the last seat in your row, and sit down in the Transformation Pods. Don't be afraid.

Edith: I don't know. [referring to the audience] They should be kind of afraid.

Margo: Edith!

Edith: Hey. You're in a top-secret villain's lair. Things happen.

Margo: If you don't want to move around during the training, please tell a lab assistant about the stationary seats located in the front of the lab. [quietly] These are also known as inventions.

Agnes: It says here, "Don't take pictures or videotape". Wait! What's videotape?

Margo: It means no movies. Once in your seats, remove everything from your lap, including children.

Edith: And then the lap bar will come down.

Agnes: It's like getting a hug from a big metal bar.

Margo: If you feel uncomfortable in any way, please note it by a lab assistant.

Edith: Once in your seat, PUT ON THOSE GOGGLES! This is where things get GOOD!

Agnes: [sing-song] We're gonna give Gru his present!

Ride
''The ride begins as a pair of steel doors open, revealing Gru’s laboratory. Margo, Edith and Agnes fly out towards the audience in a saucer-like hovering device, whose controls are maintained by Margo''

Margo: Ready? Great! Prepare to be minionized!

The Minion Transformation Pods rise and become capable of movement.

Edith: [points to the audience] Zap 'em, Kevin!

Kevin: Ah, okay.

''He pulls a lever, adjusting the Minion Ray Gun and aiming it at the audience before pressing a button that activates the Minion Ray Gun, which then enshrouds the whole screen with a blue laser beam as it fires. During the transformation, the girls hover behind the screen revealing the riders in their Transformation Pods. Once the transformation is completed, he deactivates the Ray Gun and the girls fly back in front of the screen, now revealing the riders as Minions''

Margo: [impressed] Wow! It worked!

Agnes: [looks between the audience and screen] Aw! They're so cute!

The Minions in the lab start laughing once they see the audience.

Margo: [presses a button which makes the hovercraft move towards the audience automatically] Okay, let's begin your training. [presses the button again to stop the hovercraft at the moment it pushes the recruits into a chute]

Agnes: Have fun, Minions!

The riders continue falling down the chute until they reach a dome-like obstacle course and see the girls.

Margo: You're now in the Minion Training Grounds.

Margo: This is where test your strength, speed and ability to not die.

''The riders continue dodging water sprayers, while some of the Minions are sprayed off the course. The riders then jump over a giant cactus, whether Minions are stuck in the cactus. The riders then encounter fly swatters.''

Agnes: Look out, Minions! Don't get fly-swatted!

''The guests are able to dodge the fly swatters, while some Minions are caught in the netting. Edith briefly looks behind her.''

Edith: Avoid the lasers... or be doomed!

''The riders are able to avoid the lasers and reach the other side of the Minion Training Grounds. One of the Minions ends up being zapped.''

Agnes: [pointing at the zapped Minion] HE'S SO FLUFFY!!!

''Concerned, Margo pulls Agnes back in the vehicle. The guests stop at a dead end due to some Minions signaling them to stop. A giant boxing glove appears out of the blue and punches two Minions away. The other two laugh until they, along with the riders, are being punched by another giant boxing glove, plummeting down until they stumble on a huge gap. The girls fly up, oblivious of the two Minions hanging on to the engine attached to the hovercraft.''

Margo: Well done, Minions. Now it's time to test your problem solving and teamwork skills.

Agnes: Find a way across!

The riders start to create a hand-like Minion-chain.

Margo: Go, Minions, go!

Agnes: These are the best Minions EVER!!!

Edith: Resist the banana!

Minions: Banana? Banana! Banana! Banana!

Agnes: Fight the urge!

Edith: Whoa!

However, the lure rips off the fishing rod and starts falling with a Minion holding it.

Margo: [off-screen] This is bad!

''The Minion loses grasp of the banana and falls through a hole, causing an alarm to blare. Once through the pipe, the riders run into a warning sign.''

Gru: [through a monitor] Hey! What are you doing in the restricted area?!

Margo: Minions! We gotta get you out of here!

Minion: Uh-oh.

''Bombs come loose and drop, causing explosions in the area. Once the girls get startled by one of them, Margo loses control of the vehicle, causing it to almost tip over. Unfortunately, Agnes' gift is sent flying.''

Agnes: No! Minions, save Gru's present!

Agnes: [struggling] Almost there...

''Just as she is about to grab it, Margo quickly withdraws the vehicle from the giant triple saw blades, then carefully moves it close enough for Agnes to grab it. Agnes grabs the gift, but drops the present again when steam erupts, startling the girls again. Agnes' present drops onto a steel beam, falls off it soon after, but the girls arrive from below.''

Margo: Got it!

Agnes: Yay!

The riders fall of the steel beam and accidentally run into bombs.

Gru: Don't worry! I got you!

A few seconds later, it is revealed that Gru is hanging on to the girls’ hovering saucer.

Agnes: So it's now the time to give you my present?

Gru: Honey, seriously, not the perfect time...

Gru: I'm okay!

''Gru jumps onto a mallet but hits straight into the camera, screaming hysterically. Acid starts to evaporate from the giant bowls which the riders pass through while hanging on the mallet, but end up with the girls, who are knocked out of the saucer, which tips over and drops, and land onto the conveyor belt, slowly into another room, which was filled with garbage floating all over the place and mashed into bits by claws and other forms of machinery. Once they get off the conveyor belt, the girls suddenly become weightless.''

Margo: It's okay.

Edith: Except we're floating!

Margo: We're in the Anti-Gravity Recycling Room?!

''Suddenly, a giant robotic arm rises from under the girls. Fortunately, they quickly grab hold to its fingers.''

Agnes: Oh no!

The trio barely avoids the surrounding machinery.

Margo: Everyone, just hold on!

Agnes: NO!

Margo: AGNES!

Agnes: [gasps] Oh no!

Suddenly, a familiar image blocks the crushers using a steel beam and saves Agnes.

Gru: I got you!

Agnes: Gru!

Gru: Uh-oh!

Edith: Whoa!

Gru: Margo, Edith! Grab my hand!

Gru: [calls out] Minions!

Gru: Girls!

Girls: Gru!

The girls jump into his arms, giving him a hug.

Gru: What's this for?

Agnes: I made you a present. It's a little squashed... and burnt.

Gru: It's absolutely perfect...

Gru hugs his daughters, making some Minions go "aww".

Gru: ...and I made, you girls, a little something too...

The doors in front of Gru and company open and reveal a amusement park replica.

Gru: Happy Anniversary!

Edith: Awesome!

Agnes: You remembered!

Gru: How could I forget the most important day of my life?

Margo: Thank you, Gru!

Gru: Well done, Minions! You did it!

Agnes: Yay!

Gru: Your new life begins right now!

Gru: Aw, man! They're human again!

The doors close and the lap bars come up.

Gru: Bring in the next group!