Ralph Breaks the Internet

Transcript
Ralph: Okay, my turn, my turn! Um, I got one.

Vanellope: Great, but can you make it a little more challenging this time?

Ralph: Okay, check this out. I spy with my little eye something yellow and round, and it eats dots.

Vanellope: Seriously, Ralph?

Ralph: Yeah, seriously. You're never gonna get it.

Vanellope: Well, obviously it's Pac-Man!

Ralph: No! That's not – why is that obvious?

Vanellope: Name one other thing in this whole arcade that is yellow and round and eats dots.

Ralph: I can name two things: Ms. Pac-Man and Baby Pac-Man. Boom! I accept your apology.

Vanellope: Yeah, you're right. Okay, but was it Pac-Man?

Ralph: Yeah, you got me.

Alright.

Riddle me this, Do you or do you not think that Zangief waxes?

No way, look at the guy.

He looks like a yeti!

I dunno. I mean, if the fur were confined to his chest I might agree, but look at those two very specific tufts of shoe hair poking out of his boots. That does not just happen, Ralph.

That is a choice.

You're totally right, kid! He's baby smooth everywhere else!

I rest my case.

- My mind is blown. Let's go get a root beer.

OK, let's see what you got, kid.

Ooh, nice one!

Okay, I think I got one in the chamber.

Eww! Gross!

- Thank you. Hey, wanna sneak into Tron?

- Doesn't that game have a virus?

No, I'm sure they've fixed it.

I'm gonna beat my speed record!

Hey! Wait for me!

Ralph?

- Yeah?

I don't think they fixed the game.

Uh, no.

Help! Tron?

Anyone! Help!

Do you realize we're basically just, like, zeroes and ones floating around like we are just tiny specks of dust?

Like, doesn't the very nature of our existence make you wonder if there is more to life than this?

Why would I wonder if there is more to life when the life I got is perfect?

I mean, sure, it doesn't look so hot on paper,

I'm just a bad guy from some old video game who wrecks a building.

Yeah, and for 27 years I was a total zero without any friends.

But now I got a best friend who just happens to be the coolest kid in the whole arcade.

Aw, thanks, Ralph.

- Watch this.

Home run!

Alright, let's go watch the sunrise.

Are you really saying that there is not one single solitary thing about your life that you would change?

No. Think about it. You and me get to goof off all night long.

Litwak shows up, we go to work, we put on the hours, then the arcade closes and we get to do it all over again!

The only thing I might do different in that scenario would be not having to go to work. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.

Hey, where'd the sunrise go?

(plugging in the Internet.)

Alright. Let's get you plugged in.

That's a plug in alert!

Litwak hasn't plugged in a new game in forever! Let's go see what it is!

Yeah! Excuse us, excuse us. Hey, Felix!

Calhoun! What's getting plugged in?

Well, Ralph, Sonic thinks it's gonna be a new pinball machine.

What do you think, ladylove?

I'll bet you a shiny nickel it's a blood pressure machine.

Kids love those things.

Please be a racing game, please be a racing game, please be a racing game.

(In Game Central Station, a new plug is inserted, and the sign above reads "WIFI".)

Ralph: (He is seeing the new Wi-Fi sign.) "Whiffy"? Or "Wifey"? Well, it's either whiffleball or an arranged marriage game.

Sonic the Hedgehog: It's actually pronounced "Wi-Fi", Ralph.

Ralph: Yeah, that's what I said.

Sonic the Hedgehog: And Wi-Fi is the Internet, which is an online community where human beings go to shop and play games and socialize.

Vanellope: Ooh, fun!

[Immediately, Surge Protector appears.]

Surge Protector: No, it is not! That sign right there says "Wi-Fi", but what it should say is "Die-Fi". [chuckles, but no one responds.] [chuckles to himself] That's a little humor there, but seriously, the Internet is nothing to laugh at. [as he speaks, Surge Protector begins putting police tape around the entrance.] It is new, it is different, and therefore we should fear it. So keep out, for Pete’s sake, and get to work. The arcade’s about to open!

Figures! Finally get something new plugged in and we're not even allowed to go in there!

Totally not fair!

- A new racing game would've been cool.

Something wrong with your game?

- No, no.

It's just every bonus levels been unlocked, I know every shortcut.

Man, I'd kill for even just a new track!

- New track?

You already got, like, three choices.

- Yeah, I know, but don't you ever wish something new and different would happen in your game?

- Nope.

Really?

Well, agree to disagree.

- Wait, I don't wanna disagree.

No, no, it's just a fancy way to say we don't have to argue about it.

We're arguing? I don't want to argue!

Relax. Stop making it a thing, go to work.

I'll see you tonight, stench-vessel.

Alright.

She wants a new track?

I'll give her a new track!

C'mon, Nafisa!


 * Let's play Sugar Rush!
 * Pick Vanellope, Swatti!
 * She's got the best superpower.
 * Yeah, the glitch!
 * I love her!
 * Drivers, start your engines!
 * You're gonna lose today, princess.
 * Well, yes, I am technically a princess, Taffyta.
 * I'd rather you'd just think of me as plain old Vanellope,
 * the racer who is about to kick your butt.
 * 3, 2, 1, go!
 * Right on cue.
 * - I love it when she glitches!
 * Excuse me, I must've fallen asleep.
 * Oh, fun, I'm winning.
 * She's gonna love this.
 * Right on time!
 * What?
 * Looking for something new, and different?
 * Then take this track!
 * Oh, Ralph, you old son of a gun!
 * I'd say I got a little
 * time for a detour!
 * Hey, look! I think I unlocked a new track!
 * Never seen that before.
 * This is awesome!
 * Thanks, Ralph!
 * - You're welcome!
 * Get back up on the track, Swatti!
 * You're going to lose! - I can't!
 * It's like it's driving itself!
 * What is wrong with this thing?
 * Oh, no!
 * Ralph!
 * Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
 * Kid!
 * Oh, kid, I'm so sorry!
 * Are you okay?
 * What an amazing track! Thank you, Ralph!
 * Thank you, thank you, thank you!
 * You're welcome!
 * You know I take my duty as your hero very seriously.
 * Wait a minute. You took a serious duty where?
 * Vanellope, get up here!
 * We have a situation.
 * Mr. Litwak, the Vanellope racer wasn't working and I think maybe I turned the wheel too hard.
 * - Oh!
 * I'm really sorry.
 * - Oh, it's okay, Swatti.
 * I think I can get it back on there pretty easily.
 * What did you do, Ralph?
 * - Nothing!
 * Leave him alone, he's
 * just trying to make the game more exciting.
 * - Yeah. Why don't you relax, Taffyta?
 * Litwak will fix it.
 * Alright.
 * Okay. It's still not a problem.
 * He'll just order a new part.
 * Well, I ordered the new part but the company
 * that made Sugar Rush went out of business years ago.
 * I could try to find them on the internet.
 * - Oh, good idea! - Yeah, me too!
 * Good luck. You're only gonna be finding a needle in a-
 * I got one! On eBay!
 * - Really? How about that?
 * See? Those kids have it under control. They're just gonna get another wheel from the eBoy.
 * Are you kidding me?
 * How much?
 * That's more than this game makes in a year!
 * I hate to say it but my salvage guys are coming on Friday.
 * It might be time to sell Sugar Rush for parts.
 * Where's he going?
 * He's-
 * Litwak's gonna unplug the game!
 * Go! Go, go, go!
 * Gang way!
 * What are you people doing out your game, for Pete's sake?
 * The arcade is open!
 * Sugar Rush is getting unplugged!
 * We're homeless!
 * - Yeah, we're homeless!
 * Oh, what are we gonna do?
 * Calm down! Calm down.
 * Get a hold of yourself.
 * An unplugging.
 * Good Lord, I haven't seen this many game-less characters since Space Invaders went down.
 * Where are we gonna live?
 * You can stay here until the arcade closes, I guess, and then we'll figure out where the heck we're gonna put you all.
 * Okay. Here we go.
 * I raided Gene's fridge.
 * Good news, he's got pie.
 * I took a bunch of his pillows and junk too. I'm thinking we make a fort out here.
 * Or like a yurt.
 * Or, we could take these pillows and stack them right and we can make an igloo out of pillows like a pillow igloo, pigloo! Pigloo!
 * So what do you think, kid? Fort, yurt, or the obvious best choice, pigloo?
 * I can't believe I don't have a game anymore.
 * I mean, like what am I gonna do all day?
 * What? Come on, are you kidding?
 * You sleep in, you do no work, and you go to Tappers with me every night.
 * I've literally just described paradise.
 * - But I loved my game.
 * Oh, come on., you were just bellyaching about the tracks being too easy!
 * But that doesn't mean I didn't love it!
 * Yeah, sure it was kind of predictable, but, still, I never really knew
 * what might happen in a race.
 * And it's that, it's that feeling, that "not knowing what's coming next" feeling.
 * That's the stuff.
 * It feels like life to me.
 * If I'm not a racer, Ralph, what am I?
 * My best friend.
 * - It's not enough.
 * No, I just-
 * I'm sorry. I know I'm being weird.
 * I think that maybe I just need to be alone right now.
 * Okay.
 * I'll meet you over at Tappers in a little while, I guess.
 * Alright, now, we've found some good homes for so many of our chums from Sugar Rush, and we're just hoping a few more of you will open your doors and your hearts to those in need.
 * I suppose that large green olive will fit in nicely with my decor.
 * I'm a sour ball.
 * - Well, beggars can't be choosers, can't they?
 * Come along, condiment.
 * Mmmkay.
 * Marvelous! That just leaves the racers.
 * We're like, adorable.
 * - You sure are!
 * So, any takers?
 * Anyone?
 * Felix. I know we've never once talked about having a family before, but-
 * - I know!
 * It feels like the kind of thing you just jump into with both feet, and then made a plan!
 * Felix and I will give them sanctuary!
 * Can I get a quick word with you two?
 * Look, I get it, you've been married for 6 years, you're looking to spice things up.
 * But, trust me, adopting 15 children is the wrong kind of spice. Those things are basically feral.
 * - Pardon me, sir, but those youngsters are lambs!
 * Lost little lambs in need of two kind, caring shepherds!
 * - That's right.
 * Besides, how hard can parenting be?
 * You treat the child like your best friend, you give them everything they want and you just love their little socks off!
 * Right, Tammy? - Darn tootin'.
 * Hey, mom! Why does your lame
 * TV only have 1 channel?
 * Well? Hate to say I told you-
 * Hey, Tapper?
 * - No, Ralph, I haven't seen Vanellope.
 * Not since the last time you asked me 30 seconds ago!
 * Sorry. I'm just worried about her.
 * She's glitching like crazy and acting super insecure and
 * Oh, get this. She said being friends with me wasn't enough for her.
 * Not enough? I'm a great friend!
 * Right, Tapper? Right?
 * - I'm sorry, who's acting insecure?
 * Ralph, come on. the kid just lost her game.
 * Give her a break.
 * There you ar-
 * Hey, Ralph.
 * - Hey, Felix.
 * Since when do you drink root beer?
 * - Since tonight.
 * Yeah, I hear you, buddy.
 * Hey, listen, this one was supposed to be for Vanellope. I guess you can have it.
 * Doesn't look like she's coming.
 * - Thanks.
 * You know, I can't help but think this whole mess is somehow, partially my fault.
 * It figures. Just when my life was perfect.
 * - Mine was too!
 * But, hey! Now I'm a father of 15!
 * Isn't that just a blessing?
 * Wait a minute.
 * What did you just say, Felix?
 * Isn't that just a blessing?
 * - No, that weird sound thing.
 * Yeah!
 * Say it again.
 * Say it again!
 * eBoy?
 * - Yeah!
 * What are you getting
 * at there, Ralph?
 * That kid out in the arcade said there was a steering wheel part in the internet in something called eBoy or, eBay!
 * That's it, it was eBay!
 * Ralph, are you thinking about going to the internet and fiding that part?
 * Getting that part's the only thing that's gonna fix the game and that's the only thing that's gonna make Vanellope happy again.
 * And if Sugar Rush is fixed, those lovable scamps living in my house and destroying my sanity will have homes of their own again!
 * Ralph, this is an important mission.
 * A noble mission!
 * I will cover for you.
 * - Thanks, pal!
 * Ralph, what about your tab?
 * You're only here for the root beer.
 * Felix is gonna cover for me!
 * Drinks on the house, everybody!
 * Felix is paying!
 * Ralph, what is wrong with you?
 * Start churning butter and put on your church shoes, little sister, cause we're about to blast off!
 * What are you even talking about?
 * We're going to the internet.
 * - What?!
 * Yeah, to find the part to fix your game.
 * No way!
 * Yeah, I probably should have just
 * said we're going to the internet.
 * We're going to the internet!
 * - Yeah, we are!
 * Surge! Are we glad to see you!
 * We want to report some malfeasants over by the Whac-a-Mole.
 * Yeah, we saw some undesirables causing a real donnybrook over there!
 * Oh, heck no, not on my watch!
 * Appreciate the tip.
 * So, all we gotta do is
 * find this eBoy place.
 * - eBay.
 * - Right, eBay.
 * So we go over there, get the steering wheel, have it delivered to Litwak before Friday, he'll fix your game, everything goes back to the way it was!
 * Happily ever after!
 * This is a shockingly sound, well thought-out idea for you, Ralph, no offense.
 * I know, and none taken.
 * Here it comes! Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, I give you the internet!
 * The internet is not nearly as impressive as how Sonic described it.
 * I gotta admit, I'm underwhelmed.
 * Where do you think they keep their eBay?
 * - Beats me.
 * Hello? Anybody here?
 * - Anyone, hello?
 * We're looking for eBay!
 * - You hear that, kid?
 * Sweet echo!
 * Check this out.
 * Okay. Connect to network.
 * Bingo. Password is "highscore", with a zero instead of O.
 * Yes, and we are online.
 * Ralph, look!
 * That's a gremlin! Stay away, it's a
 * gremlin! - It looks like a tiny Mr. Litwak!
 * Cool! Come on, Ralph, let's follow him!
 * - Hey, wait for me!
 * Kid, come back! Wait!
 * Vanellope!
 * Kid!
 * Ralph, isn't this great?
 * - No, it is not!
 * Sweet mother of monkey milk!
 * Kid, I don't think we're in Litwak's anymore.
 * We certainly are not, friendo.
 * We are in the internet!
 * Come on, Ralph!
 * Holy cow! Look at all this stuff!
 * This is the most beautiful miracle I've ever seen.
 * But it's so big. It goes on forever and ever.
 * How are we possibly gonna find eBay out there, Ralph?
 * Kid! Kid. Don't worry! I'm sure there's someone out here who could give us directions.
 * Look at there, at that guy!
 * He's got one of those hats that smart people wear.
 * I bet he could help us. Come on!
 * Welcome back to the searchbar, madam.
 * I hope you are able to find a satisfactory breakfast burrito based upon the search results
 * I have provided this morning.
 * I have provided this morning.

What can KnowsMore help you find now? Where can I find ballet- Ballet shoes? Ballet classes? Ballet folklorico? Ba- Tights. Girl, size small. Oh, little madam is trying ballet now, I see. I hope this last longer than the soccer phase. I found 23 million results for ballet tights, girl, size small. Isn't that interesting! Redirecting to "DesmondsTutus.com". They never say "thank you". Oh, hello, sir. Interesting, you don't seem to have a search history. Let's start one for you. What can KnowsMore help you find today? - Umm- Umbrella? Umbridge? Umami? Uma Thurman? - No. Noah's Ark? No Doubt? Nordstrom Rack? Err- Ergonomics? Urban Outfitters? Urkel, played by Jaleel White? Looks like no-one put Humpty Dumpty together again. This guy's a little soft-boiled. I'm pretty sure he's just trying to guess what you're gonna say. Yes. I'm sorry, but my AutoFill's a touch aggressive, today. Let me try. eBay Sugar Rush steering wheel! Oh. I only found one result for your query! Hmm. Isn't that interesting! What? How did you-? - Ah, the Internet's very intuitive. Thank you, Mr. KnowsMore! - Well, you're welcome. Guess we know where to go if we ever need a pair of goggles. There's a whole building full of 'em! Look, there it is! eBay! Ralph, we're really gonna do it. We're actually gonna save my game! Told you not to worry. We just gotta keep our eyes on the prize and stay focused. Get rid of belly fat using this one weird trick! I love weird tricks! Sassy housewives want to meet you! Congratulations, you're a winner! - Really? These 10 child stars went to prison! Number 6 will amaze you! - That sounds interesting. Want to get rich playing video games? Click here to find out how! Ralph, come on! - There's a lot of cool stuff here! I'll be right here if you change your mind, brother! How about you, lady? Want to get rich playing video games? Ladies and gentlemen, the next item up, a black velvet painting of a sorrowful kitten, bidding starts at 49.99... The beaver, the beautifully taxidermied beaver... ...19367, a gently used artificial hip. ...going once, going twice, and sold! A tortilla chip shaped like international superstar, Beyonce Knowles for 400. - Yay! So happy! Are you understanding how this game works? I think all you have to do is, like, yell out the biggest number and then you win this stuff? And I thought Qbert's game was weird. Hey, kid, hop up here and see if you could tell where they keep their steering wheels. There's a bunch of, like, sports member-abilia, big baby clothes called lingerie? Go to the right. Move right. Oh, there's a row with a bunch of old video game junk. Oh, there it is! There it is, I see it! There's someone else trying to win it! Come on, hurry, let's go! We got 275, and with 30 seconds left in the auction, we have 275. - Get out of the way! I'll give you three- - I got 3. Can you give a 305? 305? Can you give a 3-5? - 305. Give me a 310. Give me a 310. - 310. - 320! - Oh, man, this guy is good! He keeps coming up with numbers like it's nothing! - I hear 3 and a quarter, do I hear 350? 350? - Watch this. 1,000! 1,000! Now we have a bid of 1,000! - Way to go, kid! That is a huge number! - Thank you. Check this out. 15,000! - 15,000? Do I hear 15,500? 15,500! - 16,000! 17,000! - 18,000! 20,000! - 23,000! 25,000! - 27,000! 27,001! - And sold! For 27,001 to the barefoot hobo in the broken overalls! That's me! - We won! Congratulations! Here's your voucher for auction item 197324579. Please take it to checkout for processing. So, we are sent to ship one Sugar Rush steering wheel to a Litwak's Family Fun Land in Los Alamitios, California? - Yeah. With expedited shipping, that should arrive, Wednesday morning. That's two whole days before Litwak scraps your game! We're way ahead of schedule! - We rule! I'll just need a credit card number. Sorry, what's a credi- a crehi car huher? - A credit, card, number. Number. Right. Uh, 7. - Excuse me? Sorry. No, you're right. Ridiculous. I meant 11. - Those aren't credit card numbers. I'm pretty sure they are. How exactly do you intend to pay for this item, sir? You owe $27,001. - Wha? Dollars? Dollars, like, money? - Yes. And if you don't have a credit card, we also accept PayPal, Verifone, ProPay, SquareCash, and BuzzzBucks. You're gonna laugh. So, this big galoot, he left his wallet at home. - Yeah. Yeah. I did leave my wallet at home in my wallet room, and the door's locked. If you don't pay within 24 hours, you will be in violation of the unpaid item policy. You will forfeit the bid and you will lose this item. Next! Hey, buddy, you goin' to eBoy? Well, I got some free advice for you. Don't! What a scam! The signs aren't even real! What the heck? Dang, internet! Hey, kid, what's wrong? If I don't have the steering wheel, I don't have the game! I'm game-less! There's only one steering wheel on the whole internet, and we blew our chance to get it! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down. We came here to save your game and that's what we're gonna do. - Okay. Okay? - Yeah. There you go. Now, look, all we gotta do is figure out a way to earn a little bit of moolah! We're video game characters, Ralph! We don't have moolah. Unless you can think of some magical way to get rich playing video games. Wanna get rich playing video games? Click right here to find out how! - Back off, robber. It's right this way. - Dang pop-up blockers! Why does everybody gotta be so mean? - There he is! Oh, thank goodness you're still here! Me and my friend here, we got 24 hours to make 27,001 dollars or she loses her game! Can you please tell us how to get rich playing video games? You bet! Click here and I'll take you to my website! You got, uh, ample carriage there, buster. Causing a little drag. - Sorry. You're getting close to the edge. - Huh? The edge! The edge! By the way, my name is J.P. Spamley. I'd like to welcome the both of you to the Spamley family! Step into my parlor. - This is your website? I know what you're thinking. Not to worry because my antivirus guy was just as clean as a- Oh, my gosh, that's embarrassing. Anyway, I know it's a little mess. Hey, Gord! But, I do have a system here, I really do. If I could just find that. Gord! Just gotta find this list. Oh! There you are. These guys are looking to get rich playing video games. What do you- what do you got for them, partner? Thank you. Fishwife's Amulet, Wizard Quest, 3 dollars. Foxhole Hammer, Zombie Crusades, 5 dollars? Those there are some of your more common-place low-dollar items. - Can you back up a sec, Mr. Spamley? You're saying, if we find the Golden Cleats from Pro League Soccer, we find those and bring them back here to you, and a human being in the real world will pay us 15 dollars? Yes, ma'am! Welcome to the exciting world of loot hunting! Folks go into games, they harvest the most coveted items, and they sell 'em on my web site to the highest bidder! Okay, and here's the thing. We need, like, a buttload of money. So do you have any more lucrative items, maybe? Gord! Gord! Oh, there you are. Thank you, buddy. You're such a nice guy. Is $40,000 lucrative enough for ya? It's more than enough! - Look, I got a guy in Des Moines, Iowa who will pay 40 grand for Shank's Car from a game called Slaughter Race. A racing game? - That's right. Slaughter Race is the most popular online racing game out there. However, it's wicked dangerous. - We ain't afraid of danger. This kid is the best racer in the whole world! We'll get you that car, no problem-o. Slaughter Race! Enter at your own risk! This game is kind of amazing! The attention to detail is pretty impressive. I don't think I've ever been in a game with smog before. Nice kitty! Nice kitty! Let's just find Shank's car and get out of here. - Agreed. Look! There it is! That car is gorgeous! No wonder it's worth so much. Shocker! Players. They beat us to it. 31 hours of continuous gameplay, and we finally found Shank's car. Let's jack this ride. - Oh yeah, DirtySocks. It's on. Jimmy! You're not playing that horrible video game, are you? No, grandma! I'm doing my homework! Okay. Like I said, let's jack this ride. While the cat goes away, these mice try to play. I think that might be Shank. - Listen up, mice. Anyone who tries to play with this cat ride is gonna get got! - You're going down, Shank. Pyro. Give those punks the works. - With pleasure. End of the road! - Gosh dang it! Now I gotta start all over! Ralph, maybe- Where are you going? - I, am scared. If we get burnt up in here, that's it, we're dead, we're gone. So I think we should get out of here right now. No, wait. I have an idea. Hey, Shank? - What's up, Pyro? Do you reckon we're going a bit too hard on the players? Honestly, no. I don't. Of course I have empathy for players like DirtySocks537 and BabeRahamLinkin. But if we just let them win, where's the life lesson, you know? Yeah, but, to Pyro's point, I mean, those players worked so hard to get here. - I hear you, Felony, but imagine a game without challenges. The same predictable thing every single time? Who wants that? - Shank's right. You know, I just saw a really insightful TEDtalk, and I can't really remember what the guy said, it was more about how it made me feel, but I think ultimately the point was, I honor your choice, guys. And we honor yours, Butcher Boy. - Thank you. Hey, Shank. Did you ever wonder what it would be like if someone actually did get your car? - Well, I know one thing. Whoever that is, will have to be the best of the rest. What? Good day to you, madam. - Who are you? I'm here from the, uh, Department of Noise. And, the thing is, we've been getting some complaints down at HQ. Larry's the one who takes the calls. Anyways, someone told Larry that we've been hearing a lot of gun sounds... This is nice! Where have you been all my life? ...so I came to check on things. - I'm sorry, who did you say you were again? Oh, I'm... Larry? Nah, you said Larry took the calls. Good job, Larry! - Yeah! Worked like a charm! Are you kidding me? Someone got Shank's car? And I need yours. Sorry. I'm just- I'm just gonna go. This is the worst day of my life! It's a shame we have to leave so soon. This game is cool! Just get us out of here so we can get this car to Spamley And get paid. - No problem! Look at this guy coming in hot. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, little girl! You still have value, Butcher Boy. Oh, no! It's that Shank lady! She looks upset. Ah, don't worry, I will lose her. Kid, get back on the track or I'm gonna lose my cookies! There is no track! I can drive anywhere! Kid, she's coming up right behind us! Oh, hello! I believe you have something of mine? - Yeah, come and get it! This girl can drive! Would you hurry up and lose her? - I'm trying! Hang on, chumbo! Mother of Hubbard, this lady can really drive! Kid, there's a fire! You see the fire there? That's a dead end! Dead end! - Not for me! Bye-bye, Shanky! That's the stuff! - Good job, kid! I feel like me again! One exit straight ahead! You're not gonna lose me that easy. - How did you- You might wanna keep your eyes on the road. - Kid! Department of Noise. Get out of my car! What are we gonna do? - You just stay put. Don't panic. I'm gonna talk to her. - Ralph, be careful. It's fine. This is what heroes do. I'm stuck! This car is not designed for a big boy. You guys really thought you could just steal my car? Well, let me tell you what's gonna happen now. - No, wait! Listen. We aren't normally car thieves. My friend here, she's a candy cart racer. You should see her racing on her sweet little track in her cookie wafer cart we built together. The thing is, her perfect little game broke and it was- it was my fault! So, we are here to try to fix it and we need money to do that and someone was gonna pay us money to steal your car- Okay, okay. You can stop crying. Though I do respect your wonderful display of vulnerability. Thank you. I get it. I do. Friendship is everything to us, too. Right, guys? - Right. We're like family. - That's really great. So does this mean we can keep your car? - Absolutely not. But I do wanna help. Hey, you got your phone on you? You know it! - Let's make a video. Pyro! Hit big boy with the blowing gun. I'd love to. - Wait, what's a blowing- Say something. First thing that comes to your mind. I'm gonna wreck it! Good! Alright. Turn it off. What the heck did you do that for? - Yeah. There are much better ways to make money on the internet than stealing cars, such as, becoming a BuzzzTube star. Am I supposed to know what that is? Come on, now, everybody knows BuzzzTube! It's the video sharing site. - I'm just starting your account. Alright, there you go. If this thing goes viral, you can make a lot of money. A friend of mine, chick named Yesss, she's the head algorithm over there. Tell her I sent you. Yesss will hook you up. Wow, that's very nice of you. - Not sure if "nice" is a right word. Thank you. - I should be thanking you, little sister. That race was fun. - Oh. Well, uh, thank you again. Shank, what moves did you do to get through that tunnel of fire? Was it a power drift into a drift jump, maybe? Maybe. If you ever want to come back for a rematch, I'd be happy to kick your butt again. See ya. Whoa. - Show-off. That place was scary. - I know, it was so exciting! No, exciting is when you smile. Scary is when you clench your butt. And my butt is still clenched. Oh, come on, are you honestly telling me that Shank lady wasn't the coolest person you ever met? Cool? Name one cool thing about her. Let's see. She looks cool, she talks cool, she drives cool, her hair is cool, her car is cool. - Wait a minute. You're saying my hair's uncool? - What? No. I'm just saying the game was next level. There's no one telling you what to do, where to go. Hey, just where do you thing you're going? - To BuzzzTube. It's this way. No, no, no, no, no, we're going back to Spamley's. He can give us some easier loot to find. No, we're supposed to see Shank's friend. Oh, come on. I don't trust that Shank one bit. - Well I do. Well I- - Hello, mister! Who are you? - I'm your friendly eBay alert messenger. An actual eBoy. Just here to let you know your bid expires in 8 hours. 8 hours? Okay, thanks, eBoy. You got it, Jackson. Chumbo, if we nickel and dime it with Spamley, it will take 20 years to make enough money to buy the wheel. Alright. Fine, we'll do it your way but I'm telling you right now that BuzzzTube place is a terrible idea. There are all kinds of videos in here. Yeah, like beavers and cats. Look! There's you! Wonder why those little guys are giving your video all those hearts? Obviously, they love me. I told you this place was a good idea. Yeah, I'm sure you did, doof. Now, who were we supposed to see about getting paid again? The head algorithm. Her name is Yesss. No. No. No. Uninspiring. Clich. YouTube's got this one. Chewbacca Dad? Really? - Yeah, it's like Chewbacca Mom, but it's a daddy. - No! Heyyo! Are you the head of Algor? I am the head algorithm of BuzzzTube, which means I curate the content at the internet's most popular video sharing site, which means I don't have time to trifle with every shoeless, mouth-breathing hobo that trundles into my office! Call security, Maybe. - Yes, but Yesss, this is the leaf blower guy. Who? - The man with undulating jaws? So? - His video has 1.3 million hearts. Why didn't you tell me I was in the presence of a genius? Grab him a drink. Yeah, this lady named Shank, she actually made the video. She's the one who told us to come see you. - No wonder your video's so dope. Shank is for real cool. - Right? She is not. I'm the cool one, getting all the hearts. That's right, you big baby. What did you say your name was? - Ralph. Wreck-It Ralph. Well, Wreck-lt Ralph, you are trending! And these are for you. Hearts, hearts, hearts, hearts, hearts, hearts, hearts, hearts! Not to buzzcoat the lovefest you guys got going on here, but Shank kinda told us that viral videos can make, like, actual money? Hearts are money, honey. Your Buzzzy account converts hearts into dollars. Kaching! $43,000? Kid, we only needed $27,001. We're done! - Oh, no, no, no. No. That's $43. - 43? That's not even half of 27,001. We only have 8 hours left to save my game. I hate to say it, but, that ain't happening. Your video's tapped out. - But I thought I was "trenching". "Trending". You were, but that was 15 seconds ago. Now, you're not. Thanks for stopping by, though. What we gonna do, kid? - Alright, pal, I have an idea. Hear me out. What if we go back to Slaughter Race, and I ask Shank- - No, no, no. We're not going back to that death trap. Yesss, what if I made you a whole bunch of videos of me doing all kinds of crazy things? You mean saturate the market? That could give you a lot of hearts fast. Have you thought this through at all? What do you plan on even doing in these videos? I'll just copy whatever's popular. - Genius! Yo, Maybe, what's trending now? Let's have a looky-looky. As usual, human suffering is number 1. Followed by hot pepper eating challenges, video game walkthroughs, screaming goats are back, unboxings, cooking demos, makeup tutorials, and lastly, bee puns. Let's "bee" friends! Two weeks in a row, guys. That's a fortnight of bee puns. He won't be doing any bee puns. They're beneath you. - Oh, I'm doing the bee pun. Yes I am! And I'll be eating a hot pepper, and I'll put on a makeup, whatever else it takes cause kid, we came here to save your game, and we're gonna do it! I love it! That is what the internet was made for! Now, let's get to work! Yo, McNeely, you remember Wreck-lt Ralph? - That bad guy from the old video game? Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna send you a super random video. Check it out, dude. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Up to the Meme-it. I'm your host, Dani Fernandez. Nobody knows who's making them, but the whole world is going bonkers over a series of truly bizarre videos starring 80s era bad guy, Wreck-lt Ralph. Check out what everyone's buzzing about over at BuzzzTube.com. Hey, guys. Wreck-lt Ralph here with the ghost pepper challenge. Supposed to be spicy. We'll see about that. It's not so- It's very hot! Oh, make it stop! Yo, McNeely. Another one just dropped. Check it out, dude. Where are these things coming from? Hey, Josie? Have you seen the pepper challenge? Not yet, I'm watching the one where he just smacks his lips. It's disgusting! ...just wanna blend that out there, like this. And that, my friend, is how you achieve the perfect cat eye. Start with the "hootenanny", shift it into a "floss", and then finish with a "hot marat". ...I'm gonna give this little cloud a little friend. Everybody needs a friend. ...sleeping under his ears. ...and we've been baking at about 950 degrees now for 6 hours, so, it should be ready. Voila! Burnt pie! Let's get a little whiff of this- My hair, my hair, my hair! This man is on fire! Literal and figurative fire! But he still needs 200 million hearts in the next 5 hours or this beautiful child loses her game! That's why I'm onto phase 2! You! My elite pop-up army, I need you out there popping up and getting click all over the internet. I'm talking Tumblr, Instagram, Mashable! Be my Pied Pipers, and lead that beautiful traffics of buzz, too, because Wreck-It Ralph needs his hearts! Hey, mister! Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you, you! You don't want to miss this! It's the latest Wreck-It Ralph video! Click it! Click it! Man, oh, man, that looks so fun! Yesss, can I be a pop-up? I don't know. Can you be annoyingly aggresive? I don't know. Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Oh, yes. You're perfect! Here! - Thank you. If you're going, I wanna go. - No, baby. You gotta stay here and be my movie star. - What? No, no, no, no. Me and the kid are like shoes and socks. Or peanut butter and bacon. One cannot exist without the other. Go on, kid. Tell her. - It's true. In fact, it's so true that we will be fine if we're apart for a minute. - B-but- Come on, pal. It's my game we're trying to save. I just wanna get out there and be useful. - Without me? What if you get lost? You're just a kid! Oh, and you're some mature adult? I'm bigger. - Don't be insecure, big fella. She's not gonna get lost, I promise. She'll be in my personal web browser. And your app comes with BuzzzFace, so you can keep in touch anywhere on the internet. - See? I'll be fine. - I know, I just- We haven't been apart in, like, 6 years. I'm going to miss you. - You'll be fine, too. The more hearts you videos get, the faster we'll get the wheel, and then we can go home. We'll be celebrating at Tappers this time tomorrow, buddy. Yeah. I guess you're right. Bye! Be careful, huh? Don't be a dummy!


 * Ralph: So where exactly are you sending her?
 * Yesss: Well, since candy girl comes from an arcade game, I'm thinking she'd be good in the gaming district.
 * Ralph: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Bad idea. Those games are dangerous. And they rotten your brain. Why don't we send her somewhere a little more, totally different from that and nowhere near there? Let's see. Family-friendly fan sites, that sounds safe. And she is technically a princess, so how about this one here with the sweet little pink castle?
 * Yesss: I love it! Okay, I'll redirect our newest pop-up to "OhMyDisney.com"!
 * Vanellope: Jeez-Louise, this place is bonkers! Whoa!
 * Buzz lightyear: To infinity, and beyond!
 * Vanellope: Oh, come on! Princesses and cartoon characters? Lame.
 * Eeyore: Hey. Easy there.
 * Vanellope: Oh. I mean, no offense or anything. Time to get to work!

...and for your final question, my friend would describe me as?

Smart, funny, kind, or brave. Kind, I guess?

Based on your answers, your princess BFF is, Snow White!


 * Snow White: I do believe our friendship will be the fairest of them all.
 * Vanellope: Hey, wanna meet my BFF? It's Wreck-lt Ralph. Click here to see his new video. Thank you!

In Captain America: The First Avenger, Red Skull refers to Yggdrasil, the World Tree, guardian of wisdom and faith. Are we to believe, sir, that you are a descendant of that tree?

Groot: I am Groot.

Okay. Okay, thank you very much.

What is Drax really like?

Groot: I am Groot.

Thank you.

Are you a conifer or a fruit berry tree?


 * Vanellope: Excuse me, I'll take this one. He is Groot, I am Vanellope. Click here to meet Wreck-It Ralph! This is almost too easy.

You have a permit for that pop-up? That's unauthorized clickbait. You're coming with us, kid.

She's getting away! This way.

Vanellope: Sorry, mister!

Grumpy: Hey! Can't you read? Cast members only!

Think she went out this way. Come on. Roger that. Did you see a kid coming through here?

Grumpy: Came running through here like a headless hen.

Any sign of her? No. Maybe she went out to the Airbud memorium. Come on, let's check it out.


 * [Vanellope glitches into the dressing room of the Disney Princesses]
 * Vanellope: [as Vanellope is trying to get away from the Stormtroopers she ends up in the Disney Princesses room] Uh, hi. [suddenly all the princesses get in pose to attack Vanellope; Cinderella breaks her glass slipper and points it at Vanellope]
 * [the princesses surround her on all sides]
 * Vanellope: Whoa! Whoa! Ladies, I can explain! See, um... I'm a princess, too.
 * Anna: Wait. What?
 * Vanellope: Yeah! Princess Vanellope von Schweetz of the Sugar Rush von Schweetzes? I'm sure you've heard of us. It'd be embarrassing for you if you haven't. [laughs nervously]
 * Pocahontas: What kind of a princess are you?
 * Vanellope: What kind?
 * Rapunzel: Do you have magic hair?
 * Vanellope: No.
 * Elsa: Magic hands?
 * Vanellope: No.
 * Cinderella: Do animals talk to you?
 * Vanellope: No.
 * Snow White: Were you poisoned?
 * Vanellope: No!
 * Tiana and Aurora: Cursed?
 * Vanellope: No!
 * Rapunzel and Belle: Kidnapped or enslaved?
 * Vanellope: No! Are you guys okay? Should I call the police?
 * Ariel: Then I have to assume you made a deal with an underwater sea witch, where she took your voice in exchange for a pair of human legs?
 * Vanellope: No! Good Lord! Who would do that?!
 * Snow White: Have you ever had true love's kiss?
 * Vanellope: Eww! Barf!
 * Jasmine: Do you have daddy issues?
 * Vanellope: I don't even have a mom!
 * Numerous princesses: Neither do we!
 * Rapunzel: And now for the million dollar question: Do people assume all your problems got solved because a big strong man showed up?
 * Vanellope: Yes! What is up with that?
 * All princesses: She is a Princess!
 * [Snow White vocalizes]
 * Cinderella: [eyes Vanellope's clothing] Who made your gown? I've never seen anything quite like it.
 * Vanellope: Oh, this old thing?
 * Cinderella: Oh, I'd so love to have one of my own.
 * Aurora: As would I.
 * Moana: Me, too!
 * Elsa: So cool!
 * Rapunzel: Best outfit ever!
 * Ariel: I want one too, you guys!
 * Cinderella: I'll get my mice on this.
 * [the Princesses are relaxing with Vanellope, all wearing new modern clothes.]
 * [Disney logo comes up with the old Batman theme playing, then next we cut to the princesses all wearing casual clothes]
 * Cinderella: [sighs] So this is love. All hail Princess Vanellope, the queen of comfy.
 * [the other princesses cheer]
 * Ariel: Of all the thingamabobs in this entire world, I never thought I'd get to wear a real... what's it called again? Oh, yeah. A shirt. [sings] I once had a dream that I might wear a shirt...
 * Vanellope: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait. What's going on?
 * Jasmine: Uh, she's singing.
 * Vanellope: Yeah, but there was, like, music and the spotlight and... Wait, you all saw it, too, right?
 * Tiana: That's what happens when a princess sings about her dreams.
 * Vanellope: Oh, that's never happened to me, I mean, not even once.
 * Rapunzel: Why don't you give it a try? What is it you really want? Sing about that.
 * Vanellope: Okay, uh, sure. I can do that. Uh, let's see. [clears throat; sings] Oh, steering wheel, oh, steering wheel. Oh, yes, I want a steering wheel. [scats]
 * Belle: Well, there's a lot to unpack here. So, this steering wheel you sing of-- That's a metaphor?
 * Vanellope: Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not a metaphor. It's just... I literally want a steering wheel. I think the issue was I was a little pitchy.
 * Mulan: Maybe a little. But sometimes your song can't start until you go someplace to reflect.
 * Pocahontas: What works for some of us is finding a form of water and staring at it.
 * Vanellope: What?
 * Snow White: Oh, yes. I like to stare at a wishing well.
 * Moana: I stare at the ocean.
 * Mulan: Horse trough.
 * Cinderella: Soap bubbles.
 * Vanellope: Wait, you're saying if I just stare at some water...
 * Ariel: Important water.
 * Vanellope: Right, of course, important water. I stare at the important water, and somehow magically, I'll start singing about my dream?
 * Rapunzel: For sure.
 * Tiana: Mm-hmm.
 * Vanellope: Uh, yeah. I don't think so, ladies, but thanks.
 * [C-3PO enters]
 * C-3PO: [there’s a knock at the door and C-3PO enters] Five minutes, Princesses. Another "Which Disney Princess are you?" quizlet starts in five minutes.
 * [he leaves]
 * Jasmine: Okay, thank you.
 * Tiana: Well, I guess it's back to the gowns, girls.
 * Aurora: It was lovely to meet you, Vanellope.
 * Belle: And best of luck finding your song.
 * Merida: [in a thick Scottish accent] Och. Lang may yer lum reek, and may a moose ne'er leave your girnal with a tear drop in his eye. Haste ye back, me lassie!
 * Vanellope: Uh-huh. What did she just say?
 * Tiana: We don't know.
 * Moana: We can't understand her.
 * Anna: She's from the other studio.
 * Vanellope: Ah.

Hi, everybody. Wreck-It Ralph here with a little box I'm gonna open. Let's see what we got here. A Pancake Milkshake Fun Set. Got a little heft to it. Something's wobbling around in there. Have we got the kitty or the bunny? Let's open the- Open "sesabees"! Who would've guessed that bee pun would be the thing to put us over the top? That's the internet for you Alright. It is uploading. - Hey, mister! Hi, eBoy. - Just here to let you know your bid does expire in 30 minutes! Thanks, little eBoy. You got it, chairman. You hear that, Yesss? We don't have a lot of time left. Okay. We just gotta- No, no, no. No! Not now! - What? Why are you angry at the lollipop? What does that mean? - The file's not loading. If this doesn't load, we're not gonna make it! You don't have enough hearts. Ralph, where are you going? Going down to the floor to get some hearts! Genius, good thinking! Now someone get me tech support in here, stat! Oh, no, only one person. Hey, guys. Come and check out my video. You're gonna love it. Right over here. Here we go. What are you- You guys! A cat? You're gonna like this better than some dusty old cat. What? Give me that hose, partner. You know you love it. You give me those hearts! Hey, folks, where are you going? Give my video a heart! That's it! Let's see who's in here. Hello? Anybody in here? What the heck is this place? Some kinda library? "Wreck-lt Ralph is back." You're talking about me! Gee-whiz, the internet is so positive. "Fix-lt Felix Jr. was my favorite game." Mine too. "Ralph's videos stink." "So stupid." "Ralph is the worst." "I hate him." "He's so fat and ugly." "Just a worthless bum alone on a pile of bricks." Yo, Ralph. You in here, dude? I gotta show you- First rule of the internet: Do not read the comments. Should've told you that. Look, this place can bring out the worst in some people, but you gotta ignore all this.


 * Vanellope: Come on, song. Come on. I'm reflecting. What is it that I want? What is my quest? What is my dream? Well, at least I tried. No song for this princess, I guess.
 * How does this thing work?
 * Hey, kid, can you see me?
 * - Yeah, you're right there.
 * We did it! We got the money!
 * No way, Ralph! That's great!
 * I'm on my way to eBay right now with eBoy.
 * We're almost there, champ.
 * - Good work, eBoy.
 * Meet me out in front of
 * eBay in 5 minutes, okay?
 * Okay, I'll see you soon.
 * We're going home, kid!
 * Our lives could finally get back to normal.
 * Wow, I can't believe that I get to go home.
 * So I guess that's it. I guess I
 * just wanted a steering wheel.
 * And now I got it, so, woo-hoo.
 * Vanellope: Slaughter Race?


 * Vanellope: What can it be that calls me to this place today? This lawless car ballet?

What can it be? Am I a baby pigeon sprouting wings to soar? Was that a metaphor? Hey, there's a dollar store! Look! I'm rhyming! My spirit's climbing! As I'm called through this fog of mace To this place called Slaughter Race!


 * Shank: Welcome back, watch your head. Hate to see you wind up dead.

Thief: Let's get this party rollin'!

Vanellope: Is that appliance stolen?


 * Shank: We have-

Butcher Boy: Fallen wires!

Little Debbie: Dumpster fires!

Clown: Creepy clowns!

Felony: And burning tires!

Shank: That great white in the sewer You'll be happy that you knew her!

Vanellope: Fin bump!


 * Shark: Dogs and cats, they sure taste great!

Dog #1: With a side of license plate!

Dog #2: Some find us deplorable.

Vanellope: Well I think you're adorable!

Shank: We may be a motley crew, But our hearts ring true.

Tattoo Artist: And just for you a face tattoo!


 * Vanellope: My heart's in flight and wow, it's a blast!

Feels like my dreams are real at last!

Shank: No trace of a frown upon your face!

Vanellope: Flying so fast!

Shank: Setting the pace!

Vanellope: Living the life!

Shank: Loving the chase!

Vanellope: Now is the time!

Shank: Here is the place!

Both: This Slaughter Race!


 * Vanellope: I know I should go,

but home feels so slow. These roads are paved with dreams.


 * Clown: Healthy dreams, not creepy clown dreams.
 * Vanellope: What would Ralph say,

If it turns out I stay In this place called Slaughter Race? In this place called Slaughter Race.


 * This isn't about you, Ralph.
 * It's about them.
 * I don't care. It's fine.
 * People hated me my whole life for being a bad guy.
 * It's just a good reminder that this is
 * the only heart that really matters.
 * Vanellope gave me this.
 * And as long as she likes me,
 * I don't need anybody else.
 * And I sure don't need the internet.
 * Hold on. It's not all bad.
 * The internet can also be a place where
 * you find a steering wheel at one website
 * and make enough money
 * to buy it at another one.
 * Congratulations, Ralph. You did it!
 * - Really?
 * Yes! Check your Buzzzy account.
 * You needed $27,000, you
 * got over 30 grand!
 * Oh, my gosh! This is great!
 * Thank you, Yesss!
 * I couldn't have done it without ya.
 * - That's really true.
 * Hey, eBoy!
 * - What do you need, Ace?
 * Can you give me a ride?
 * - Let's hop along, Cassidy!
 * You want to get rich playing video games? Click here to f-
 * Oh, Ralph. Ralph!
 * Hey there.
 * - Oh, hey there, Spamley.
 * What's the good word, brother?
 * - The good word is I just
 * paid for the steering wheel
 * and we are going home.
 * Congratulations.
 * - Thanks.
 * Have you seen Vanellope anywhere?
 * - Your little chum? No, no, I haven't.
 * Hope she's not lost.
 * I'm gonna try to reach
 * her on this doohickey.
 * See over there? Over that mountain?
 * - Yeah?
 * That's the Sequoia Speedway.
 * It's gonna be unlocked next month.
 * What are you doing in
 * that awful game with her?
 * ...right over there.
 * It's gonna be so tight.
 * I love it.
 * It's gonna be so tight.
 * I love it.


 * Vanellope: Hey, can I tell you something that I don’t think I could ever tell Ralph?
 * Shank: Of course.
 * Vanellope: I know it sounds crazy, but the second I walked into this game, it felt, well, it felt like home. I mean, more than Sugar Rush ever did.
 * Shank: Oh, yeah? How so?
 * Vanellope: Because it’s like my dream. It’s full of weirdos, and the racing is super dangerous, and you never know what’s going to happen next. I mean, back home, I know exactly what’s going to happen next, because Ralph’s dream is to do the same thing every day.
 * Shank: Here’s something I wish I’d learned years ago. There is no law saying best friends have to have the same dreams. You know?
 * Vanellope: Woh. Yeah. You are a very wise person, Shank. And a good friend too.
 * Shank: Thank you. Around here, peeps like to say, “Shank you.” You know, after you go home, and your life gets back to normal, you are always welcome here.
 * Vanellope: But that’s the thing, I want this to be my normal. I want this to be my life. I can’t go home now. I just can’t.
 * [after overhearing Vanellope’s confiding to Shank that she wants to stay at Slaughter Race]
 * J.P. Spamley: You know, where I come from, that’s called a kick in the face.
 * Ralph: I can’t believe it.
 * J.P. Spamley: A straight-up donkey kick to the teeth.
 * Ralph: She’s supposed to be my best friend. No, this can’t be right. No, she’s been brainwashed. That’s what this is. Because the Vanellope I know would never abandon me like that. I got to get her out of there now.
 * J.P. Spamley: Hey, easy now, tiger. I admire the impulse, but you charge in there like some white knight, I mean, she’s liable to hold it against you.
 * Ralph: So what? I’m supposed to just let her stay in a game that’s obviously bad for her?
 * J.P. Spamley: Of course not.
 * Ralph: Then how do I make her leave? She thinks it’s so cool and exciting in there. Unless you know how I can make the game boring or… Wait. You know about viruses and stuff, right, Spamley?
 * J.P. Spamley: Who’s asking?
 * Ralph: Back home, me and the kid used to goof off in this game called Tron. But then it got a virus that made the motorbikes go slow, and then Vanellope stopped wanting to hang out in there. So, is there a way to do something like that to Slaughter Race?

J.P. Spamley: Oh, there’s ways. Follow me. [to Ralph] Now, this area down here is what’s called the Darknet. A lot of shady characters hang out down here, so try to keep a low profile.


 * Gord!
 * Now Gord here, he's dabbled in virus-making, but his cousin, this guy we're gonna go see, Double Dan.
 * This dude is a virus making machine.
 * Here we are.
 * - Are you sure this is safe?
 * Is it safe? Of course it is.
 * Just whatever you do, do not look at his little brother.
 * Oh, his little brother?


 * J.P. Spamley: Double Dan, this dude is a virus-making machine. Oh, oh, here we go.
 * Ralph: Are you sure this is safe?
 * J.P. Spamley: [chuckles] Is it safe? Of course it is. Just whatever you do, do not look at his little brother.
 * Ralph: Oh, he has a little brother?
 * [as they enter the room, Ralph sees Double Dan, who’s little brother is just a face on Double Dan’s neck]
 * J.P. Spamley: Double Dan! Long time no see.
 * Double Dan: Who are you?
 * J.P. Spamley: JP Spamley. Uh, we met one time over at Friendster, which tells you it had to be a long time ago.
 * Double Dan: Oye, what are you looking at?
 * J.P. Spamley: Nothing.
 * Double Dan: Are you looking at my brother?
 * J.P. Spamley: No, sir.
 * Double Dan: Don’t you look at my little brother.
 * J.P. Spamley: Oh, no, I wasn’t!
 * Double Dan: He’s very self-conscious!
 * [he grabs Spamly by the neck and tosses him to the side]


 * Double Dan: You. What are you doing here?


 * Ralph: Uh, the reason I came to your neck of the face… I mean, there’s a face in your neck. I mean, woods. Neck of the woods. The reason I’m here is because I, well, I heard a little tumor, rumor. I heard a rumor that you could, well, you could give me a harmless virus kind of thing that might be able to slow down the Slaughter Race game?
 * Double Dan: Oh, yeah. My cousin Gordon told me that you wanted to crash it.
 * Ralph: Crash it? No! No, no, no. No, I don’t want anyone getting hurt. If there’s a way to just, uh, I don’t know, just make the cars go slow or something, so the game is boring, and my friend comes back home to me.


 * Allow me to introduce you to Arthur.
 * Easy there, boy!
 * He's tingling.
 * Arthur is what I call an "insecurity virus".
 * Means he looks for little flaws and weaknesses that make a program insecure.
 * You release him into that Slaughter Race game, Arthur will find some defect in the code, then he'll copy that defect and spread it all over the game 'til everything becomes quote-unquote "boring", just like you wanted.
 * Okay. Just to be super clear here.
 * No one get's hurt, right?
 * Are you stupid?
 * Because the only way anyone
 * gets hurt is if you are stupid.
 * All you have to do is make sure the virus stays in Slaughter Race.
 * - Right. Don't be stupid.
 * Make sure it doesn't get out of Slaughter Race. Got it.
 * Get out! - Thank you for your assist-face.
 * Out! I mean, assistance. Thank you for your assist-face! Assistance!
 * - Get out!
 * Well, that's game.
 * - Beginner's luck.
 * Come on, kid. I know a hustle when I see one.
 * Players on the way.
 * - Thanks, Bob. Let's roll!
 * It's show time. You ready for your first race?
 * Yeah. I think so.
 * Don't get nervous.
 * You're gonna be great.
 * I know, I know. I'll be fine.
 * You didn't tell Ralph yet, didn't you?
 * - Not exactly.
 * Come on, V, he's your best friend.
 * You gotta let him know you're planning on staying here for a while.
 * I know, but he's gonna get really upset.
 * Yeah, you might, but you guys will talk, you'll work it out.
 * You'll figure it out.
 * - Yeah, but what if we don't?
 * What if his feelings get hurt so bad he won't wanna be my friend anymore?
 * Look. All friendships change.
 * But the good ones, they get stronger because of this.
 * Shank, I hate to bother you, but the player is waiting.
 * I'm not gonna tell you what to do, kid.
 * It's your call.
 * - Okay.
 * Alright.
 * Let's race!
 * Scanning for insecurities.
 * Scanning for insecurities.
 * Precious Car-Go!
 * Deliver the car to Bert's Chop Shop.
 * But watch out for Shank and her crew!
 * Power drift into a drift jump!
 * I saw it. You're amazing!
 * - Thank you!
 * Scanning for insecurities.
 * Looks like we're not finished.
 * Come on, V.
 * Ralph?
 * Relax, relax. I'll just call him after the race.
 * Ralph will be fine.
 * Insecurity detected.
 * Copying insecurity.
 * Distributing insecurity.
 * Distributing insecurity.
 * Distributing insecurity.
 * Distributing-
 * What is happening?
 * What's going on, Spamley? The whole place is going crazy. I thought that virus was just supposed to slow down her car!
 * - It was.
 * He must've found something real unstable in there.
 * It's her glitch.
 * Game reboot begins in 60 seconds.
 * Hey, Ralph, you can't go in there! They're gonna reboot the game and anything that doesn't belong in there will be deleted!
 * Yeah! If I don't get her out of there, Vanellope's gonna die!
 * Come on, kid. The game's crashing.
 * Let's go!
 * I think it's my glitch!
 * I'm sorry! I didn't mean to destroy your game!
 * We'll be fine but your code isn't part of this game! We've gotta get you out of here now!
 * Follow me to the exit.
 * Kid? Kid, where are you?
 * The server's rebooting, Ralph.
 * Both of you have to get out of here now.
 * Here, I got you!
 * Game reboot in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
 * Reboot in progress.
 * Come on, Vanellope.
 * Wake up.
 * Ralph?
 * There you are. You okay, kid?


 * Vanellope: Ralph, I messed up so bad.
 * Ralph: No. No, you didn’t, it’s okay.
 * [Vanellope starts crying]
 * Vanellope: This is all because of me and my glitch. I should’ve just stayed with you instead of following some stupid dream. I’ve ruined everything.
 * Ralph: No, kid, no.
 * Ralph: Uh, look. I didn’t mean for it to happen like this. It was not supposed to be this bad.
 * Vanellope: You didn’t mean for what to happen?
 * Ralph: I might’ve, kind of, sort of put a harmless little virus in the game.
 * Vanellope: A virus? You did this?
 * Ralph: Well, I wouldn’t have done anything if I hadn’t heard you tell Shank that you wanted to live in Slaughter Race forever.
 * Vanellope: So you were spying on me?
 * Ralph: Hey. You’re not exactly innocent here. You were going to ditch everybody and abandon Sugar Rush.
 * Vanellope: Oh, please. I’m one of sixteen racers. They’d never miss me.
 * Ralph: What about me?
 * Vanellope: Why would I ever spend another second with you after what you did?
 * [she yanks off the hero medal that’s around Ralph neck and tosses it away]
 * Ralph: Vanellope, where are you going?
 * Vanellope: Wherever you’re not.
 * Ralph: Wait a minute. I can explain.
 * Vanellope: No! You will not follow me!
 * Ralph: Vanellope, please…
 * Vanellope: A friend would never do what you did. Never! So you leave me alone!
 * Ralph: Vanellope, no, no, no! Please! Please! What did I do?


 * Scanning for insecurities.
 * ...don't leave me!
 * Insecurity detected.
 * Copying insecurity.
 * No, no, no!
 * Distributing insecurity.
 * Oh, no.
 * You're such an idiot!

[???]


 * Vanellope: What is your problem, Ralph? I told you, don't follow me!
 * Friend?
 * Cut that out. You're scaring me.
 * - Friend.
 * What the?
 * - Friend?
 * Friend?
 * Sweet mother of Ralph!
 * In breaking news, the internet is under assault as a massive denial-of-service attack crashes servers across the web.
 * The Wreck-It Ralph virus is fast moving and destructive.
 * Friend?
 * Friend?
 * Experts are still trying to understand who or what the virus's intended target may be.
 * Friend.
 * Friend?
 * Friend!
 * KnowsMore: I found a hundred and thirty results for “Where does my high school girlfriend live now?” You’re welcome.
 * You're welcome.
 * - Mr. KnowsMore!
 * Oh, delightful! You're that courteous little child who says "please" and "thank you".
 * What can KnowsMore help you find today?
 * There's a whole-
 * - Whole Foods? A hole in the ozone?
 * Whole Lotta Love by British rockers, Led Zeppelin?
 * No! There's a whole bunch of Ralphs chasing me!
 * This would probably be an appropriate time for me to shelter my site.
 * How long you think before they get in here?
 * Precisely one second.
 * Hey, it's me! It's the real me!
 * Ralph?
 * - My apologies.
 * I followed those things here.
 * I think they're looking for you, kid!
 * Yeah, you think?
 * What did you do?
 * I'm so sorry! I don't
 * know how this happened!
 * Well, I think it's
 * fairly obvious.
 * It happened because an insecurity
 * virus cloned all of your needy, clingy, self-destructive behavior, the very behavior which left unchecked and destroy friendships and in this particular case, the entire internet!
 * KnowsMore! You have all the answers. Official query. What do I do if clones of me are trying to capture my friend? Search.
 * I found 2 results for your query. Either you put all of your clones in therapy, very unrealistic, or, the Anti-Virus District is surrounded by a gate, made from security software.
 * If Vanellope could somehow lead all the clones to the gate, they would be deleted all at once!
 * Sort of a co-dependant
 * Pied Piper situation.
 * Wait. We know a Pied Piper!
 * You do?
 * - Yes!
 * Who?
 * - Yesss.
 * Yeah, but who is it?
 * Oh, you mean Yesss?
 * Thanks for your help, KnowsMore!
 * It's a bit of an empty gesture at this point, wouldn't you say?
 * Yesss: Guess I forgot to tell Ralph that when you break the Internet, you don’t literally have to break the Internet.
 * Vanellope: I can’t believe he did this.
 * Yesss: Yeah, well, I mean, dude obviously made some real questionable choices here. But he also made a bee pun to save his best friend’s game. So, what can I say, kid, life’s complicated.
 * You ready to pied the piper?
 * Yoo-hoo! Up here!
 * It's me, your bestest friend in the whole wide world who you can't live without!
 * From up here, I can see how I do come across as needy and clingy and self-destructive like KnowsMore said.
 * Listen, kid. I don't blame you for not wanting to be my friend anymore.
 * I never said I didn't want to be your friend.
 * I said you're acting like a bad friend, which you were.
 * - I know I was-
 * Hey, my babies! There's the Anti-Virus district, straight ahead!
 * Alright, to be continued, okay?
 * We're gonna make it!
 * You guys okay?
 * - I'm fine.
 * Yeah, all good. Look,
 * we can still do this.
 * Come on, big man. Help me turn this thing over.
 * Guys?
 * That is unsettling.
 * Get Vanellope out of here now!
 * What about you, Ralph?
 * - Just go!
 * I got a date with the man in the mirror.
 * You keep away from her!
 * I'm gonna wreck it!
 * She's not your friend!
 * She's mine!
 * Here it is, this way!
 * Come on, kid, we gotta move!
 * No!
 * Vanellope!
 * Hey! Let go of me!
 * Ralph!
 * Get back here!
 * You put her down!
 * Vanellope!
 * You know, you're acting like a real bad guy here!
 * No.
 * Well, you are, and I will never be your friend!
 * Ralph!
 * Catch me if you can, you big dummy!
 * I gotcha, little sister.
 * Now go, get out of here!
 * - Ralph!
 * Go!
 * - No! Don't hurt him! Please, no!
 * Stop it! You're squishing him!
 * You're gonna kill my best friend!
 * Fine, you win. You win, okay?
 * Please put him down.
 * I'll be your only friend, okay?
 * Let him go.
 * - No! No, kid!
 * That's it. That's it, yeah.
 * Let him down, and I'll go with you.
 * We'll be best friends forever.
 * Just me and you.
 * That's what you want, right?
 * Well, that's not what I want!
 * It's not right to hold a friend back from her dreams. You don't own her!
 * That's not how friendship works!
 * You need to let her go!
 * You need to let her go.
 * I know. It's gonna hurt a little bit when you do.
 * Ah, who am I kidding, it's gonna hurt a lot.
 * But you're gonna be okay.
 * We're gonna be okay.
 * Right, kid? Of course we are. Always.

See? No matter where she goes, or where she lives, she's always gonna be our friend.


 * You just gotta trust her.
 * Cause that's what best friends do.
 * Right?
 * Thanks, buddy.
 * I feel good about this.


 * Vanellope: Ralph look, I think you fixed your insecurity.
 * Ralph: Yeah I did. [as Virus Ralph disappears] Woohoo! [he starts to fall]
 * Vanellope: NO!
 * J.P. Spamley: [comes to the rescue] Pocket right here, Ralph! Your old friend J.P. Spamley's got you!
 * Ralph: [surprised] Woohoo! [goes right through it and still falls, knocked out silly]
 * J.P. Spamley: [surprised] Wow, that didn't work. [as Ralph was about to fall to his immediate death the princesses see him falling]
 * Rapunzel: [gasps] [to the other princesses as they see Ralph falling to his death] Look up there! It's a big, strong man in need of rescuing! [Moana uses her oar to let out the ocean, Ariel uses it to make a loop-de-loop, and lands on Jasmine's Magic Carpet, and Elsa freezes it into a slide for Ralph. Meanwhile, the other princesses are making their dresses to get Ralph to safety and then he approaches it using the other dresses as parachutes and Ariel sings a few notes to get Pocahontas's attention and she blows him to the place where Aurora got cursed to slumber and Tiana approaches Ralph and uses Naveen to kiss and wake him up from his slumber]
 * [Naveen kisses Ralph on the mouth and he wakes up to find Naveen smiling at him]
 * Ralph: Ah, thanks, Frogger. [notices that the princesses have saved Ralph from falling to his death] [sees the princesses all around him] Wait a minute, who are all of you?
 * Jasmine: We're friends of Vanellope's.
 * Elsa: Yeah. And any friend of Vanellope's is a friend of ours.
 * Moana: You're welcome.
 * Vanellope: [off-screen] Ralph!
 * Yesss: [laughs] Looking good, big fella!
 * Ralph: Hey y'all! [extends his hand that the dress starts to rip as the princesses saw it and laugh] This dress is not made for a big boy. [laughs] It's going right back the alley there. Let me just make a little ajustment. [ajusts the dress and shows his fat belly] There we go. *[princesses laugh]


 * Internet users are breathing a collective sigh of relief tonight. Just as mysteriously has it appear, the Wreck-lt Ralph virus has vanished.
 * You know what I just realised?
 * The sun never rises or sets here, cause everything is always on.
 * Isn't that an astute observation?
 * - I know, right?
 * Other than KnowsMore, I'm probably
 * the smartest guy in the internet.
 * Yeah.
 * - Yo, V! We're about to come back online.
 * You ready?
 * Be right there!
 * Hey, Ralph.
 * Don't be a stranger.
 * Well, I can't be much stranger than you, Shank.
 * That's a good dad joke!
 * Hey. Don't forget, you know, Shank added my code in and everything, so I'll be able to regenerate. I'm gonna be totally safe.
 * I know. It's gonna be great!
 * You found your dream game.
 * Yeah, I did.
 * I did.
 * So...
 * I should probably head in there now, you know?
 * Before you go, I wanted to give you this.
 * I'm so sorry I broke it, Ralph.
 * No, no, it's okay.
 * Now we can both have a half.
 * See?
 * Yeah!
 * I love you so much.
 * I'm really gonna miss you.
 * I'm gonna miss you too, kid.
 * I really am.
 * Alright.
 * Okay, you're getting a
 * little clingy on me here.
 * Go on, get out of here. The world's waiting for you, kid.
 * I'll be honest.
 * It still feels kinda weird around here.
 * A lot has changed. even though we got that steering wheel and saved Sugar Rush, it's never really gonna be the same.
 * For one thing, the racers aren't even that obnoxious anymore.
 * Oh, golly! I'm sorry you didn't win, Taffyta.
 * Our friendship is much more important to me than winning, Rancis.
 * Losing builds character!
 * Everyone's a winner, Taffyta.
 * Felix and Calhoun, as goofy as they are, they turn out to be pretty great parents.
 * I gotta hand it to you two.
 * How on earth did you tame those things?
 * It's simple, Surge.
 * The key to parenting is to... ...and then what you do is... ...and that is the secret to raising perfect children.
 * I wish every parent could hear that.
 * I'm keeping busy, too.
 * Finally joined Zangief's book club.
 * - Good point, Bison.
 * And how about you, Ralph?
 * Do you feel Dostoevski intended
 * to make narrator unreliable?
 * I do and I don't.
 * Sonic the Hedgehog: You do and you don't? Duality. That's really deep, Ralph.
 * Ralph: Thanks, Sonic. I don't know what I'm talking about.
 * Oh, and we got this new thing we do every Friday night where we all go and hang out in a different game.
 * I actually hosted this week.
 * Heyo! Hope you're all hungry.
 * I made burnt pie!
 * What's burnt pie, Wreck-It?
 * Just a pie that you burn. You can do this with any pie.
 * You just leave it in the oven for too long.
 * We really do have a lot of fun.


 * [back at the arcade, Ralph is having a video chat with Vanellope]
 * Ralph: I guess that’s pretty much all the news I got for you.
 * Vanellope: Oh, man, your stories never disappoint, Ralph. I just wish we could hang out sooner.
 * Ralph: Yeah. Me, too. When did you say you were getting those days off?
 * Vanellope: Uh, our upgrade starts on January 25th, so like two months from now.
 * Ralph: Oh, that’ll go by in a flash. Oh, speaking of which, you want me to bring you anything from home when I come visit?
 * Vanellope: Oh! You know what I cannot find anywhere on the Internet? A halfway decent BurgerTime burger. I’ve been talking them up to Shank and the crew. And honestly, I think they’re starting to think I’m making it up.
 * Ralph: Alright, consider it done. I’ll bring you guys a truckload. Well, sun’s coming up already. Guess I better get to it.
 * Vanellope: Yeah, me too. Talk next week?
 * Ralph: I shall await your call, madam.
 * Vanellope: Then, adieu, adieu, farting is such sweet sorrow. So long, stinkbrain.
 * Ralph: Bye, kid.
 * [last lines; after Ralph finishes his video chat with Vanellope, he sits sits peacefully on the bench, closes his eyes and feels the sun from the window on his face]
 * Felix: [Approaches to Ralph, sitting peacefully in the bench while watching the sunrise] Hey. You doing okay there Ralph?
 * Ralph: Yeah. I am, actually. I'm doing great. [as the arcade characters reporting to their games] Come on, Felix. Let's get to work, Buddy. [as the two heads off to Fix-It Felix Jr., we zoom back into the plug of the Linkster Wi-Fi router, then we fade to the interior of the arcade section of Litwak's Family Fun Center, we fade to the doors outside, and finally the parking lot in which Del Litwak's car arrives for work, before cutting to the main title]


 * Mo’s Mother: Hey, Mo! Did you like the movie, sweetie?
 * Mo: Well, there was a scene in the trailer that wasn't in the movie. And that makes me sad.
 * Mo’s Mother: Oh, that's too bad! Maybe playing your game would cheer you up.
 * Mo: Okay!
 * She starts playing a mobile game that involves feeding pancakes and milkshakes to a white bunny and a blue kitty.
 * Mo: Pancake. Milkshake. Pancake. Pancake. Milkshake.
 * Ralph suddenly appears inside the game.
 * Ralph: Ooh! Ooh, ooh! I wanna try, I wanna try, I wanna try! My turn, my turn. (feeds the corresponding food to the characters)
 * He starts feeding the large platefuls of pancakes to the bunny.
 * Ralph: Pancake. Milkshake. Milkshake. Milkshake. Pancake. Pancake. Milkshake. Milkshake. I'm starting to understand why people like this game! Very zen!
 * Vanellope enters the pancake-milshake game with a tray full of pancakes.
 * Vanellope: (wheels in a lot of pancakes) Hey, everybody! Look what I found! More pancakes!
 * Ralph: Sweet! Let's speed it up! (feeds tons of pancakes to the bunny) Pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake. Eat, little bunny. Eat, eat, eat!
 * Vanellope: (notices something) Ralph, you might wanna try feeding the kitty for a little while.
 * Ralph: No, the kitty gets the milkshake! The bunny gets the pancake!
 * Ralph puts another plate of pancakes in front of the bunny, the bunny forces the pancake in its mouth, we see the bunny explode as Baby Mo screams into louder volume.
 * Voiceover: WHAT THE FU―?!


 * [after credits lines]
 * Announcer: And now an exclusive sneak peek of Frozen 2. Click here.
 * [a mouse cursor clicks the click here link. Snowflakes start to fall. It's so lovely... So awesome... so-]
 * [We cut to Ralph rick-rolling us with Rick Ashley's "Never Gonna Give You Up".]
 * Ralph: 🎵Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you 🎵[Created and Produced by Walt Disney Animation Studios, California] Uh-oh! Why would I? I like you! You guys still sticking around? [Walt Disney Animation Studios] All right, well, welcome to stay. Not really any more surprises. But, you know, [Disney] good luck getting that song out of your head, it's a real earwig. Anyway, what else? Uh... [The screen is turned off like a remote]
 * The End.