The Simpsons Ride

Pre-Show Video 1

 * Krusty the Clown: Hey hey, it's me! Krusty! (laughs) Congratulations, the line's almost over,. Only forty-five more minutes. Just kidding. I have no idea how much longer it is. So here to entertain you are Itchy and Scratchy!
 * (Itchy and Scratchy walk around drunkenly.)
 * Bart Simpson: Hey, those are just two drunks you fished out of the gutter!
 * Guy in Scratchy Costume: That's a lie!
 * (He drinks some Duff Beer through a eye hole in the costume.)
 * Krusty the Clown: You're fired! And leave the suit.
 * (The guy in the Scratchy costume is revealed to be Barney.)
 * Barney: Alright, let me get this thing off.
 * (While taking off the suit, it is shown he is naked and part of his butt is revealed.)
 * Krusty the Clown: Gah! Keep the suit!
 * (''Barney leaves')
 * Krusty the Clown: One word of warning that may mar your otherwise enjoyable day at my park. There's a psychopathic killer on the loose. His name is Sideshow Bob and he used to work for me. For some reason he hates me.
 * (The TV shows Krusty throwing a pie of shaving cream at Bob's face and laughs, kicking him in the groin, stuffing him into a cannon, and shooting him toward the wall.)
 * Krusty: Then Bob tried to frame me for robbery, and it was foiled by the Simpsons! And now he's vowed to kill them all EVEN THE BABY! 6 months ago, Bob escaped from the Springfield Penitentiary.
 * (The TV shows Sideshow bob on the roof of the prison and lands in a truck of nail instead of pillows)
 * Krusty: He is rumored to be in the vicinity of this park, but rest assured, my crackerjack security team has everything under control.
 * (shows the cops)
 * Wiggum: I'm sorry, does anyone know witch end the bullet goes in?
 * (the fired Barney makes his way out but Sideshow Bob (camouflaging like a tree) attacks Barney from behind. Sideshow Bob puts on the Scratchy costume.)
 * Krusty: Now, which lucky family will be the first to go on my thrilling new ride? Eenie meenie miney mo. Make it quick, I gotta go to the little clown's room, so the family that will see my show is the one who hollers...
 * (Sideshow Bob stomps on Homer's right foot.)
 * Homer: D'oh!
 * Krusty: Fine, you're in. (lowers rope) Come with me. Oh, and you can pick one other to come with you.
 * Bart: (pointing to us) How about these guys?
 * Krusty: Uh, sure, whatever. They look clean. (to the Simpsons) You guys come with me. (to us) You stay here and wait for someone to tell you to do something.
 * (The Simpsons and Krusty make their ways to the ride. Sideshow Bob laughs evilly.)

Pre-Show Video 2

 * Krusty: This is where we make all the wonder and imagination that fuels our park! Hurry! Put on these lead vests!
 * [He hands them lead vests with the nuclear radiation symbol on them. Lisa looks at a glowing green door.]
 * Lisa: Krusty? Is this a nuclear reactor? (she sticks her hand through and there's electrical buzzing) Ohhh!
 * Krusty: What do you know about nuclear energy, kid? Leave that to us clowns!
 * [Professor Frink runs in urgently.]
 * Frink: Oh, uh, Mr. Krusty, sir! The reactor is terribly dangerous! With the leakages and the crackages, Observe! [he puts a hamster in a cage into the reactor] Oh, the growing is happening. [the hamster grows large and breaks out of the cage] Now, if a human being were to enter that room, who knows what events might occur-ulate! [to Marge and Maggie] They could grow 50 feet tall, [to Homer] or three extra arms, [to Bart] or an eye where their nose should be, which is painful.
 * Krusty: [yanking Frink by the collar] Hey, Nerden-heimer! Don't you have a test tube to polish?
 * Frink: Yes, I do, actually. But you denied my request for test tube polish! I've been using rainwater and my shirt-tail.
 * Krusty: [tosses Frink out] Get outta here!
 * [Krusty brings the Simpsons to the vehicle boarding station door where the pimply faced teen stands guard.]
 * Krusty: Here we are at the vehicle boarding station.
 * PFT: [to Grampa] I'm sorry, sir! People with heart conditions may not ride!
 * Grampa: Why, I'm in the best shape I've ever... Oh! Heart attack! [clutches chest] been in my life! I feel like a twenty... [twitches painfully] Ugh, stroke! ... year-old! Massive aneurysm! I'll wait outside.
 * Marge: Ooh, you can watch Maggie!
 * Homer: You can enjoy each other's nonsense!
 * Grampa: You don't say? Well, back in my day, people never had to... [The rest of the family walks away.] Well, Maggie, looks like I'll be taking care of... [Maggie wiggles out of the lead vest and off of Grampa's lap. She goes into the nuclear reactor and from her shadow we can see she's growing to be a giant.] That's it Maggie. Stay with Grampa. [he's holding the giant hamster in place of Maggie]
 * [The family walks into the ride room with the Krusty car.]
 * Homer: Wow! We're the first people ever to ride this baby! We're like that space guy who did that moon thing!
 * Lisa: Neil Armstrong?
 * Homer: No! Chewbacca! (imitates Chewbacca)
 * Krusty: Now enjoy the Ferris wheel... or whatever this is. [a hand holding a gun pokes Krusty] Whaddya want?
 * Bob: [taking off the Scratchy head] A dish best served cold!
 * Homer: Is it ice cream?
 * Bob: NO! Revenge! [punches Krusty and he passes out] (laughs maniacally)
 * Homer: But we're on vacation! Can't ya kill me on a workday?
 * Bob: Simpsons... GET IN THAT RIDE!
 * Lisa: Forget it, Bob! We'll never... DAD?!
 * Homer: [sitting in the car] I've waited in line an hour for this thing and I'm riding it! Now hop in! [they do so]
 * Bob: [to us] Now, the last thing you'll ever see! A legally required safety video.
 * All: Ahhh!
 * [A cartoon, "Itchy & Scratchy in Safety First", begins to play with a woman's voice narrating.]
 * Woman: Here are some brief guidelines to ensure a safe and pleasant experience. [Scratchy begins to make a dash for the ride and Itchy nails his tail to the floor] When the doors open, move immediately into the vehicle boarding station. [Scratchy's fur gets torn off] Walk; don't run. [Itchy and Scratchy push their way through the doors carrying various Krustyland merchandise] Proceed to the left and right side of the vehicle. [Scratchy puts down his camera and Krusty stuff] We ask that you place all large or fragile items, including       cameras and video recorders, against the wall outside the vehicle, and hold on to all loose articles. [Itchy puts his bag against the wall and takes a seat, removing his sunglasses Take your seats in an orderly fashion and please watch your head as you enter the vehicle. [Scratchy hits his head on the door as he enters. Itchy hits him on the head with a mallet] If you have difficulty dealing with small spaces, make the Krusty Krewmember aware of this before entering the vehicle. [Scratchy struggles under the lap bar and breaks it off, cutting off his head] Once you are seated, please pull down on the lap bar. [Itchy sitting comfortably reads "Little Mouse on the Prairie" in reading glasses. Two Krusty Krewmwmber dogs scold a headless Scratchy] Please remain seated and face forward while the vehicle is in motion. [Scratchy (now with a head) puts his arm around his wife. Itchy takes his hand unknowingly under the vehicle and to the other side] Keep your arms and legs clear of the closing doors and inside the vehicle at all times. [the door closes on Scratchy's arm cutting it off. The other door closes safely next to Itchy] No still or motion picture photography of any kind is allowed. [Scratchy takes a picture and a bunch of missiles launch on him turning him into a skeleton] Thanks for your attention! [Itchy puts his camera in his pocket and smiles] Enjoy the ride!

The Ride

 * Homer: Come on, everyone, sit down! Time's a-wastin'! The faster we do the ride, the sooner I can hit the bathroom. Sit down already so Sideshow Bob can kill us! Hey, let's play the sit down game! Rule #1: Sit down. Rule #2: Keep doing it. Rule #3: The end. Now sit down. All the seats are the same except the ones that are better. I'm gonna make an annoying noise until you sit down. (makes noises) OK, ride's over. Ha-ha! Kidding!
 * PTF: Don't worry, folks. Your comfort and safety is in the hands of highly qualified teens like myself. We're required to take an extensive training course and not wear facial hair. Enjoy yourself but keep the screaming down. I have a math test to study for. If I don't get a C, I get kicked out of the audio-visual club. (groans)
 * [After the wait, a static appears]
 * Bob: I've taken over every area of the park. There's no place you'll be safe from me. And now enjoy your ride. It's about to be demolished... while you're riding it! (evil laughter)
 * [Bob pulls a lever that's labeled thrilling to killing. Our ride vehicle begins to rise to the top of a roller coaster. The animation is now in CGI (where you can see all the spikes on Bart and Lisa's hair). Our ride vehicle lifts up with signs reading, "'Roller coaster to be demolished", "Do not enter", "Seriously", and "It's your funeral".]
 * Homer: Oooh, a roller coaster!
 * Lisa: I'm scared, Dad!
 * Homer: Sweetie, they won't kill you in an amusement park, as long as you have a dime left in your pocket.
 * [Our ride vehicle stops behind the Simpson's Krusty car with Bob standing off to the side on the wrecking ball platform. It is currently day time.]
 * Bob: There's nothing you can do. You're about to die!
 * Homer: You sound like my doctor! Woo! [our car crashes into the Simpson's and they all scream as they go down the first drop]
 * Bob: [to us] Ahhh, my next victims. So anyway, where are you all from? [Bob pulls the switch] Oops. [our car follows the Simpson's]
 * Homer: Bob, not only are you not killing us, I'm having fun.
 * Marge: Homey, they said to stay seated!
 * Homer: Oh, that's a load of corporate... [he gets struck by the wrecking ball and goes flying] Aaaaaaah! My wallet just fell out! (or "I always get sick flying backwards.") D'oh! Hey, I can see our car! [Homer screams as he falls on the track] [to us] You guys haven't seen a giant steel ball, have ya? [the ball starts to chase him] You don't want to hurt me, ball! We're both big and round and never finished high school! [the track explodes and the Simpsons go flying through the air] Save me, tourists! [Marge, Bart, and Lisa scream]
 * [We free fall through a giant Krusty head's mouth on the ride tracks]
 * Krusty: Welcome to a magical journey through my mouth.
 * Nelson: [in car in front of us] You're all gonna die! Haw-haw!
 * [We crash through the "Happy Little Elves in Panda Land" attraction and land in a giant cup dangling from the ceiling. Bart and Lisa are in the next cup.]
 * Bart: A kiddie ride. (groans) (or, "A fate worse than death: a kiddie ride.)
 * Lisa: At least we're safe.
 * Bob: [Bob strapped to a giant animatronic panda pops out from behind a wall] Panda begs to differ! [Panda roars] [Bart and Lisa scream] [to a singing elf] Will you shut up?! [crushes singing elves] Say "whee!" [The panda swings Bart and Lisa's cup into another panda whose head comes off as we crash through a wall and land in "Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off." Marge and Homer are in a boat.]
 * Homer: Alone at last.
 * Marge: Bob's trying to kill the kids!
 * Homer: It just gets better and better.
 * [Both screamed, as they go down a steep waterfall and we follow.]
 * Bob: [his image appearing on a waterfall] Now Homer, because I want to be fair, a piece of advice: Resist every temptation I've placed in front of you.
 * [Homer spies a beer in the hands of one of the pirate dinosaurs.]
 * Homer: Oooh, beer! [he tries to pry it away from the dinosaur]
 * Marge: Homer, it's a temptation!
 * Homer: When did beer hurt anybody? [the dinosaur figures start to fall apart] Uh-oh. Wha?
 * Marge: Oh, my.
 * Homer: I hate chain reactions!
 * [The building starts to fall apart and their boat goes through a hole in the wall as we follow down a crowded grandstand, narrowly missing the pimply faced teen selling popcorn, and landing in a tank of water at "Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show." It's now early evening. On shore Bob is attached to the giant panda with Bart dangling in the panda's grip.]
 * Bob: [to Bart] You foiled my plans for the last time!
 * [Marge and Homer's boat hits the wall and Bart falls out of the Panda's grip and into the boat.]
 * Bart: You soiled your pants for the last time? (laughs)
 * (Homer starts a motor on the boat to escape as Bob starts shooting at them. A whale pops up out of the water with Lisa on his back.]
 * Lisa: [to us] We'll save you! [she tosses a rope to our ride vehicle as Bob tries to shoot them] Onward convenient whale!
 * [Our vehicle follows the whale and the Simpsons as Bob continues to shoot.]
 * Homer: By the way, now I'm very wet. (Or, "Maybe that exit sign leads to an exit.") [an explosion throws Homer out of the boat where he is dangled behind from a rope] Marge, stay away from the ramp!
 * Marge: What? [the boat goes up a ramp and tosses upside down as we follow.]
 * [Homer screams and then does the "D'oh" phrase]
 * Homer: Okay, this is no longer fun! (Or, "I mean ramps!")
 * [We go up another ramp and are narrowly missed being hit by a large piece of the grandstand. We crash through the back of the bleachers where Bob and his panda are waiting.]
 * Bob: Now for the unkindest cut of all!
 * [The panda uses a giant circular saw to cut into the floor where we dangle over a long shaft. Everyone was shocked, then the panda laughs. A giant Maggie appears. She picks up Bob and pushes the panda aside.]
 * Lisa: Look what the radiation did to Maggie!
 * Maggie: AAH!
 * Homer: They grow up so fast.
 * [With Bob in her grip Maggie begins hitting our ride vehicle.]
 * Bob: Ta-ta, tourists.
 * [We begin to fall down the shaft but Professor Frink appears in a helicopter-like flying machine.]
 * Frink: Do not fear, a nerd is here!
 * [Frink fires a suction cup on a rope to our vehicle securing it as we narrowly miss a giant animatronic devil. Frink propels us up out of the shaft and to the top of Springfield at the Hollywood-like Springfield sign. It is now night. Bob is standing on giant Maggie's forehead dangling her pacifier above her.]
 * Bob: I'll give you back your pacifier, if you destroy Springfield!
 * [Our vehicle crashes into the sign and goes down a hillside, past the power plant and through some explosions.]
 * Wiggum: [voice over a loud speaker] Careful! The baby is wet and presumed cranky!
 * [Our vehicle zips through the streets of Springfield. The Simpsons travel alongside us on a Krustyland parking tram.]
 * Homer: I'm not gonna change that diaper.
 * Marge: Mommy's coming, giant Maggie!
 * Bart: Come on, Maggie! Destroy something!
 * [Maggie, with Bob on her forehead, still trying to get the pacifier, knocks over the KBBL radio tower and it explodes.]
 * Apu: [outside the Kwik-E-Mart] You break it you bought it!
 * [We narrowly miss getting hit by Otto in the school bus and go through the giant donut on the Lard Lad donuts sign while Bart laughs and everyone screamed their eyes off. We wind up in the town square where giant Maggie has the pacifier in her mouth with Bob dangling from it as she tries to shake him off.]
 * Marge: Get away from my baby!
 * [Maggie shakes Bob off and sees our vehicle.]
 * Lisa: Maggie, that's not a pacifier!
 * [Maggie sticks our vehicle in her mouth and sucks on it.]
 * Marge: Get those tourists out of your mouth! You don't know where they've been!
 * [Maggie spits us out and we land in telephone pole wires outside of Moe's Tavern.]
 * Barney: (burp)
 * [The wires sling shot us past Maggie and through a large sign reading "Send Money to Universal Studios." We land in the Simpson's driveway and nearly run over Homer into the garage like in the Simpsons TV show opening. We wind up in the Simpson's house where they gather to the sofa.]
 * Homer: Home sweet- [a lap bar comes down over the Simpsons and the walls to their house fall down leaving them in outer space and on the "Death Drop" attraction] D'oh!
 * Kodos: [in spaceship with Kang] Foolish Earthlings; don't you know all rides must end near the gift shop?
 * [Kang pulls a lever and the Simpsons screams as they rapidly descend down the Death Drop as we follow.]
 * Homer: My bosoms are slapping my face!
 * Lisa: Thanks for nothing, gravity!
 * Ralph: [being carried by a vulture] I'm a baby bird!
 * Marge: This must be the part where they take your picture! Okay, smile! [they pose] [All scream]
 * [We land at the front entrance to Krustyland, which is now in ruins, to find Sideshow Bob with a circular saw-like weapon.]
 * Bob: I still got five seconds to kill somebody! [to us] Hello, folks.
 * [The sofa falls on top of Bob and the Simpsons land on top of it.]
 * Homer: What a horrible nightmare. Thank God this ride is over.
 * [Giant Maggie pushes the giant Krusty head on top of the family (Homer screams) and our vehicle as we are lowered back to the floor. There are some minimal fire effects in the ride building.]
 * Homer: [voice only] Let's go again! I wanna go again! (Or, "Let's go again!")
 * Krusty: Well, that's our ride! Hey, what does this do? (pushes button, then laughs)