I-Shrek

This is the transcript for "i-Shrek".

Scene #5: Donkey and Creatures Overrun Swamp
Donkey: Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you... please?

[Shrek turns and smiles overly genuine, exaggerated friendliness.]

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: (pleading) PLEASE! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! 'YOU GOTTA LET ME STAY!! PLEASE! PLEASE!?'

Shrek: OKAY! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Oh, thank you!

[Shrek turns and opens his door, shaking his head. Donkey charges into the hovel, starling Shrek.]

Shrek: Aah! What are you-- No, no, no!

[Donkey jumps up into Shrek's lounge chair, circles and then plops down making himself comfortable.]

Donkey: Ah, this is gonna be fun!

Mouse 1: Well, it's not home but it'll do just fine.

[Mouse 1 trips and falls flat on his face. Shrek gasps and starts toward the table. Mouse 2 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. One of the blind mice named Gordo bounces on Shrek's squid.]

Gordo: What a lovely bed!

Shrek: Gotcha!

Gordo: I found some cheese!

[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out.]

Gordo: Blech! Awful stuff!

[The mice stumble around as Gordo jumps from the squid to a spoon, catapulting food into Shrek's face.]

Donkey: In the morning, I'm makin' WAFFLES.

Shrek: Urgh!

Mouse 1: Is that you Gordo?

Gordo: How did you know?

[Shrek suddenly scoops the mice off the dinner table.]

Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house?!

[As Shrek turns to throw them out, he's hit by something from behind. Startled, Shrek drops the mice and they escape past the Seven Dwarves who have just shoved Snow White, in her glass coffin, onto the table.]

Shrek: Hey!

[The dwarf looks up and meets Shrek's eyes just as Shrek turns to the table.]

Shrek: Oh, no, no, no, no, dead broad off the table!

[Shrek shoves the sarcophagus back at the dwarves.]

Dwarf: But we were supposed to put her. The bed's taken.

Shrek: Huh?

[Confused Shrek rushes across the room and opens the bedroom door, revealing the Big Bad Wolf dressed in a nightie in Shrek's bed. Shrek stares in shock.]

Big Bad Wolf: What?

[Shrek drags the Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of the neck.]

Shrek: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!

[Shrek goes to throw the wolf out the front door. As he opens the door we rack focus over his shoulder to a teeming sea of fairy tale creatures. Shrek gets worried as he begins to register what he sees.]

Shrek: Oh, no. Oh, no. No! Nooo!

[A woodstock-like morass of fairy tale creatures have filled the swamp. Refugee tents are everywhere; the Pied Piper camps with his rats next to the Old Lady Who Lives in a Show and her brood. The three bears huddle around a campfire with several of Santa's elves. Everywhere dwarves, fairies and unicorns have grouped around fires. The swamp is packed to the rafters.]

[Shocked and overwhelmed, Shrek is about to yell at the crowd when he is startled by a powerful roar, like approaching jets.]

Shrek: (diving for cover) Ahhhh!

[Shrek hits the dirt as witches on broomsticks land like fighter pilots. An intense elf wearing ear protectors guides the airborne hags in with signal flags.]

Shrek: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!?!

[Desperate to get the creatures off his land.]

Shrek: (huge long roar) ROOOOAARRRR!!!!

[Simultaneously the fairy tale creatures screw their eyes closed and scream for all they're worth.]

Fairytale Creatures: (huge long scream) AAAAUUUGH!!!

[Their scream outlasts Shrek's roar and Shrek ponders them for a moment.]

Shrek: (whispers) This is the part where you run away.

[The fairy tale creatures all run as fast as they can except Donkey and Pinocchio. We cut in close on Shrek as he watches them go. He chuckles to himself.]

Shrek: And stay out!

[Shrek finds out that Donkey was with Pinocchio.]

Donkey: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Well, gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: OUTSIDE!

[Dejected, Donkey heads back out.]

Donkey: Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. (sniff) Here I go. Good night.

[Shrek slams the door in Donkey's face. He turns and looks regretfully at the door for a moment and sighs, but shakes it off.]

Donkey: (o.s) I mean I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey, I was born outside. You know I'll just be sittin' by myself outside, I guess. You know. By myself, outside. (singing to himself) ''I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me...''

Scene #14: Remove Your Helmet
[Shrek hauls Fiona, and Donkey over the edge of the cliff and onto safe ground]

Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing, you're... you're wonderful, you're...

[Shrek and Donkey climb up behind Fiona. She turns, seeing them looking very disheveled.]

Fiona: ...a little unorthodox I'll admit, but... thy deed is great and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

Donkey: Ahem.

Fiona: (bends down) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

Donkey: Alright, I hope you heard that. She called me a "noble steed". She think I'm a steed.

Fiona: (giggles) The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good sir knight.

Shrek in Armor: Uhhh... No.

Fiona: Please, remove your helmet.

Shrek in Armor: Look, I really don't think this is a good idea.

Fiona: Just take off the helmet.

Shrek in Armor: I'm not going to.

Fiona: Take it off!

Shrek in Armor: No!

Fiona: NOW!

[He picks the Princess up and flings her over his shoulder into a fireman's carry.]

Fiona: Agghhhh! Put me down! Agh!

Shrek in Armor: You coming, Donkey?

Donkey: Oh, yep! I'm right behind you.

Fiona: (throwing a fit) PUT ME DOWN or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! PUT ME DOWN! AGGHHHH!!!

[Shrek is still wearing a helmet and carrying Fiona over his shoulder. She's adjusted to her new position in life]

Donkey: Okay, so here’s another question. You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

Shrek in Armor: Well, let me put it this way, Princess.

[Shrek dumps Fiona unceremoniously on the ground as he and Donkey laugh at Fiona onto the ground]

Fiona: Stop it! Stop it, both of you!

[After a beat, Shrek regains control of himself.]

Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good.

Shrek in Armor: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.

[Fiona jumps in front of Shrek, blocking him.]

Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!

Shrek in Armor: OKAY! Easy. As your command, Your Highness...

[Shrek removes his helmet. Fiona stares at him blankly, confused but not frightened. Shrek smiles.]

Fiona: You... You're a... an ogre?

Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?

Fiona: Well yes, actually... Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.

[Shrek gives her a long suffering look, he's heard this a little too often.]

Shrek: (sighs) Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.

Fiona: Well, then, why didn’t he come rescue me?

Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love! Not by some ogre and hi-hi-his pet.

Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed.

Shrek: Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier.

Fiona: Well, I’m sorry, but I bid thee good night.

[Fiona slams the door behind her]

Donkey: Um, you want me to come in there and read you a bedtime story? 'Cause I will.

Fiona: I said GOOD NIGHT!

[Shrek and Donkey look at each other in amazement.]

Scene #17: Merry Men "Step In Time"
[Fiona, Donkey and Shrek are making their way through the woods towards DuLoc. Shrek licks his fingers.and lets out a big, loud belch.]

Donkey: Shrek!

Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs)

Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

Fiona: (belches) Thanks.

Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.

[Fiona starts to walk on.]

Shrek: You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.

Fiona: Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

[She turns tail and walks away. She starts humming. Shrek and Donkey look after her. Suddenly there is a loud off screen whoosh, and Fiona is shooshed out of the frame. Suddenly a blur sweeps through the frame as Monsieur Hood swings in on a vine and lifts Fiona away.]

Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!

Shrek: Princess!

[Monsieur Hood was landed on a high branch in a nearby tree.]

Fiona: Oof! Wait, what are you doing?

Monsieur Hood: Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior, and I am rescuing you from this green…

[He kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust.]

Monsieur Hood: …beast.

Shrek: Hey! That's MY princess! Go find your own!

Monsieur Hood: (to Shrek) Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

Fiona: Ugh! Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course, how rude-a-la-la. Please let me introduce myself. (calls) Oh, Merry Men! (laughs)

[Merry Men appear from behind the bushes in as they begin to sing "Step In Time" by Mary Poppins]

Merry Men: Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da, whoo!

[Monsieur Hood leaps off the tree limb with acrobatic style landing in front of the men with aplomb as they start to Riverdance.]

Merry Men: Kick your knees up, step in time

Kick your knees up, step in time

Never need a reason, never need a rhyme

Kick your knees up, step in time

[The Merry Men dance, Riverdance style. He pirouettes in front of them.]

Merry Men: That's when we step in, step in time

That's when we step step, in time

Never need a reason, never need a rhyme

That's when we step in, step in time

[Monsieur Hood pops up in front of the Merry Men as they fall back]

Merry Men: Link your elbows, step in time

Link your elbows, step in time

Never need a reason, never need a rhyme

Link your elbows, step in time

Link your elbows, step in time

[Fiona, witnessing this from the tree goes from just annoyed to horrified as the Merry Men star to dance again. Suddenly a foot enters, knocking Monsieur clean out of the frame. He lands against a rock, knocked out cold with a solid crunch. Fiona has swung down and do the Tarzan-like yell on a vine and taken him out. She back flips and lands in front of Shrek.]

Fiona: HIII-YAAH! (to Shrek) Man, that was annoying!

Merry Man: Oh, you little!

[One of the Merry Men takes aim with his bow and releases an arrow toward Fiona. Instead of hitting Fiona, the arrow whizzes by, toward Shrek and Donkey. A frightened Donkey jumps into Shrek's arms.]

Merry Men: Link your elbows, step in time

Link your elbows, step in time

Never need a reason, never need a rhyme

Link your elbows, step in time

[Little John lunges at Fiona and she adeptly elbows him in the stomach and backhands him on the nose.]

Merry Men: Kick your knees up, step in time

Kick your knees up, step in time

Never need a reason, never need a rhyme

Kick your knees up, step in time

[Friar Randy runs at her and she runs up a tree, backflips and kicks him in the head.]

Merry Men: Ohh!

Step in time, step in time!

Shrek, Shrek, Shrek!

Step in time, step in time!

Shrek, Shrek, Shrek!

Never need a reason, never need a rhyme

Never need a reason, never need a rhyme

If you kick your knees up

Kick your knees up

Kick your knees up

Kick your knees up

[Two more men run at her and she scissor kicks them both at once, she continues until all the Merry Men lie unconscious.]

Merry Men: Step, step

Step, step, step, step

Step, step, step, step

Step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step!

Never need a reason if you step in time!

[Donkey and Shrek look at Fiona shocked.]

Fiona: Um, shall we?

[Fiona looks a little embarrassed as she smooths out her dress and regains her composure. Shrek just looks pleasantly stunned.]

Scene #30: Post-Credits Scene
Prince Charming: Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy. Until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower there to await the kiss of the handsome prince charming! It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s keep. [crows caw] For he was the bravest, and most handsome… in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her… [the prince gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]

Wolf: What?

Prince Charming: Princess…Fiona?

Wolf: No!

[The prince sighs of relief]

Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?

Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.

Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?